Bah..make that.. BAM! Humbug..

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Yesterday was a full day from the moment that the alarm clock rudely smacked me awake. I had a battle plan, I had a list, I had it all planned and ready to go. Even down to having the kids clothes in a bag for them to change after school so we could hop in the car and go. We are heading up to Orlando to surprise the volunteer staff at Z88.3 for their annual Christmas party. I have been excited for weeks now and am so impressed with myself that I am on top of my game in the organization part. I am soooo ahead of schedule that I leisurely go into the office for my two radio interviews and a Magazine interview...I mean after all I have all the time in the world.. I might even have an extra cup o' joe and relax. I should have know by the way it all seemed so smooth that a bump in the road was inevitable..(save the .. oh heather, that is pretty cynical don't you think?.. I am using sarcasm to illustrate my complete sarcastic way of writing...) The turbulence should have been announced like when a captain comes on the intercom while you are 35,000 feet in the air and calmly and almost "Robert Goulet like" says, "ladies and gentlemen I am gonna have to turn on the fasten seat belt sign...seems we are gonna (he says "gonna" to try and sound charmingly calm) hit a pocket of rough air and...." BAM your head goes into the tray table your drink was on and then BAM you are holding onto the strangers head next to you and you try not to act like the fact that he is staring a hole into your face because you are cutting off his circulationis anything out of the ordinary. It is BAD! And your stomach drops and you feel sick..and it is .. well, awful. THIS should have been the announcement I got. I would have then had a few seconds to "buckle my seat belt" if you will.
It all starts with a Staff vs Varsity basketball game(don't ALL good stories start that way.. or is that just on ESPN?) Tim is playing on the staff team. He already has injured his ankle a few weeks ago but thought he was OK to play. I stayed for about 10 minutes of the game but had to leave to run home and pick up one last thing before we took off for Orlando in 30 minutes. We are ON schedule.. I am driving slower than usual, listening to Christmas music, singing out loud at the steering wheel. I get home, go inside and start looking for the bad I am retrieving. I am on the other end of the house and I hear what sound like jingle bells and then a very LOUD ... CRRRRAAAAASSSSSHHHHHH! I stand still for a moment trying to just process what I heard and then BAM my head goes into the tray table... I walk across the house to the family room and there on the floor, and sprawled over the suede couch is our 14 foot REAL Christmas tree. His name is Twinkles..(every year the tree farm names the trees) well, "twinkles" decided to take a nose dive and it was a beauty! Ornaments, some extremely sentimental, shattered, lights scattered, and pine needles flowed like blood from the beast. I stand there mouth gaping... SERIOUSLY!!! I mean SERIOUSLY!! I shout at "twinkles" as if he is going to answer me "why yes, seriously". I look at the clock, we are to leave in 15 minutes in order to stay on schedule. I decide to throw towels on the water and sop up what I can. The tree is so heavy I cannot lift it without help so I leave "twinkles" laying in his mess and run out to the car to head back to the game. I frantically start texting Tim .. something like.. OH MY GOSH! THE TREE FELL.. call me. No answer. I call his answer. I call 5 more times, text 7.. no answer. I know he is done with the game.. what is going on. I call the office. I then hear.. "Oh, Tim fell and popped his ankle he is in the locker room. (oh boy) I screech into the parking lot. I run over to Tim's office. He is sitting in his chair. Sweat pouring down his head. He is wincing in pain.. BAD pain. His foot is a mangled swollen mess, raised up on his desk. I again say.. SERIOUSLY?! I tell him to stay put and I run over to get the kids from school. (all in 3 inch heeled boots I might add) I grab the kids, grab the guitar(s), grab the other gear get them in the car and go out to the parking lot to meet Corey(my guitar player). I explain to him the situation. I look at my clock.. it is 15 minutes past the time we needed to leave. Ugh. The kids are in the car, I am in the drivers seat, Tim is next to me Corey and the kids are in the back. We head back to the house as Tim has decided the tree cannot just lay on the floor.. I was irritated, but turns out he was right, I had only "sopped up" 10% of the water and so we took another 20 minutes hoisting "twinkles" back up, mopping up the water and having the kids go potty. I look at my watch, we are now a full hour behind schedule. I feel sick. We get in the car and off we go. Needless to say the atmosphere in the car was tense and icky. I was irritated and stressed, Tim was in pain and Corey was in the back with the kids who after being rushed around like maniacs, were a tad hyper. 2 1/2 hour ride laid ahead. About a half an hour into the ride.
Now I have to tell you we were about an hour and a half late from when we wanted to get to the venue. We were frazzled and had to hurry to get a bite to eat. But in all of this hustle and bustle I felt a moment of clarity hit me about 1/2 an hour into the drive up. Why was I so upset about the tree falling, about the being late to start, Why was I so frazzled. I began to think of the venue we were headed towards. I was surprising the volunteer staff at Z88.3 at their CHRISTMAS party. What exactly was CHRISTMAS all about? Well, it certainly is not about a Christmas tree, or lights, tinsel, caroling,parties,games, or even about rushing around to find gifts for our loved ones. It is about the PERFECT gift of JESUS, that HE came down on Christmas as a baby and grew to be a man that gave his life FOR us so that we might be saved. It is all a funny blur this morning the events of yesterday..and in the words of my 5 year old son as he sleepily sat next to me on the couch this morning..."well mom, it's not like it's the end of your world anyway"...out of the mouth of babes.
Here is wishing you and your family a VERY BLESSED CHRISTMAS season. I hope that I can and we all can keep our focus on what it is about and not get too hung up or caught up in the chaos. May this season be a time we find quiet moments to reflect and say thanks for the perfect gift of JESUS.



Lord, do you want me to floss?

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I saw a quote yesterday, and I am forgetting from who..(so don't call out the mob to get me for plagiarism) But it said something like "When WE want to do something we usually go for it right away but when God wants us to do something we usually ask for signs".
How TRUE. I first read it and wanted to say that it did not apply to me but sadly and all to often it does. WHY? Why would I, a woman who has had God deliver her from so much and had His hand guide my life through so much be so silly as to have to get signs..many sometimes.. to do what God calls me to do. I mean, it is not like when I go to brush my teeth in the morning I ask God to have the counter around the toothpaste be wet and the brush be dry if I am to brush my teeth and then reverse it the next morning. I brush my teeth. I don't ask God to have a pillar of smoke rise above Starbucks if I am to order my iced passion tea and apple fritter.. nay nay, I order the suckers and get on with my morning. But if I am in line at a store and I see that the woman in front of me is handing over 23 coupons, has 4 kids tugging at her, she is literally picking change out of the bottom of her purse to try and have enough money I have to PRAY and ASK God if I am to help her out and give her some money. Hmmmm... I am perplexed at my own double standard. It really IS as simple as that. I mean, the Bible tells us in Matthew 7:12 "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." Well, I do not know about you, but when I am struggling financially and in a bind, it would make my DAY to have someone help me out. The Bible(Jesus Himself even) also tells us in Luke 10:27 He answered: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" I am not fully aware that I am over"thinking" what I am told to do. I am acting as if the simple things that Jesus said we are to do are things that I need to have a week long prayer meeting and intercessory prayer for. I think that illness, family problems, death,etc would be stuff that would warrant such things...and even with that our "actions" during those times are still not what we are "praying" or "seeking earnestly" about it would be the situations.
Anyway, I am just mulling all this over and thought I would jot a line or 200 down about it and share it with you all. I mean, Thanksgiving is next week and I just know that I am so thankful for all that I am blessed with. There are people who will not have food or family. I want to make the effort to serve them and to pray for their situations not pray and ask if I need to help them.
And for those of you who are curious, no, God did not answer my requests about the toothpaste and yes, I DID brush my teeth anyway.


Friday post on an empty stomach but a full heart...

Friday, November 12, 2010

I don't have the intention of coming off as "negative" or "judgemental" (just a warning for those of you who may just decide at this point to just not read THIS blog post: )

Having lunch today and got into a discussion about church.. and all the "politics" that go along with it...don't hate.. we ALL know it it true.. it is not is just a reality. A reality of life really, I mean in any situation you find yourself in there is a hierarchy and "rules" spoken or unspoken. We got rather heated and passionate in the discussion and I found myself really trying to not get too emotional and just ..well.. ahem..(keep in mind I AM Irish) well.. go off about what I think is right and wrong and all that stuff. It gets to the point of no return and I am standing on the edge of a verbal cliff, with what I might add was a BRILLIANT statement and argument, when I felt the urge to not say anything. I just kept my mouth shut..which for many of you who know me is truly an act of God Himself. Let me just state that nothing in this discussion was bad, nothing was untrue, nothing was anything that would not have been said in any other setting. But, in this instant I remained silent and found myself.. even now..trying to figure out what got me so riled up. I think it boils down to this. We are the Church..right? We are here for the purpose of reaching out to the lost, helping the lost know Jesus, disciplining those people and training them up to then repeat the whole cycle. I find that too often in "churches"(mind you not ALL churches... so save the hate mail and nay nay's for later) we get into out little grooves and our own worlds that we find it more important to do other things with our time and our money. Let me head off at the pass all of those who are going to comment about family first...I know ALL about family first. I lost a child and have made it my mission to not waste any of the precious time given to me with my other two children. But my BIGGEST job and responsibility that GOD has given me for my children is to teach them who HE is. And God, my friends, is LOVE. That is what 1 Corinthians 13 tells us no? So if God is LOVE and in 1 John 3:18 it tells us to LOVE in action and in deeds not just in words.. then I have a responsibly to not just TALK about God but to actively WALK OUT my faith so that my children SEE my faith in action. Part of that is not just making them come to church, attend weekly functions and get their fill of action Bible man, or princess Jesus girl... it is about them WANTING to KNOW God and WANTING to BE the hands and feet of Jesus themselves.
So, all this ranting (on an empty stomach I might add for pity and grace) is to say that I am again calling to ACTION all of us who call ourselves Christians...Christ "followers" to "follow" is an ACTION word..let's not be content to just allow the church (the pastor, children's director, youth pastor, music people) to "tell" our kids "about" Jesus.. let's be willing to WALK OUT our faith in order to SHOW them who He is and what He has done in our lives.

And now... food and merriment. :)

Happy Friday <3

salt water rinse...

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

we offer
the truth
but a shaded
of who we
we were
I sing
I dance
I paint
I write

in the mouth
of a salt water rinse cycle
that seemingly
does not
the oozing sore
what is
what we

I write letters
to myself
not just
the vast void
nowhere land
that is what captures
our attention
and steals our true identity
day in
day out

we flock to a flickering
and click
away our time
to feel something
about ourselves
that we dreamt of
when we were little
and now
gives us the tools
to attempt to "live out"
our fantasy

how dull
how apathetic
how pathetic
have we become
that it is more entertaining
to sit
and stalk
and type
and click
and come up with clever things to
or update cryptic messages
so that our comment box will be full
to the brim
screaming to the "world"
look at me
i matter
i am popular
with the other lemmings
that are leaping over this ledge with me
all while texting
and updating their status'

Jesus did not give His life for a "club"...

Monday, November 8, 2010

Just got back “home” from a full week of travel. I was in Ohio at Malone University Monday and Tuesday and then home for Wednesday and Thursday then an EARLY flight out Friday morning to Washington DC. In all of this hustle and bustle I try to take the moments when I am sitting in a plane flying high above any care or concern I might have 35,000 feet below me and be still. I know it is childlike but I imagine myself “closer” to God up there in the clouds. “It is almost like being an angel” my daughter, Skye once said while on a flight with me. She is right; you do feel like an angel up there flying.. it is peaceful. Besides the few bumps and the occasional “excuse me” and “would you like something to drink”, you are pretty much left alone to do what you want.
This last trip to DC was so much fun for me. I am such an American history nerd and dare I say an emotional wreck when anything patriotic happens. I even cry at the star spangled banner (with exception to a really, really bad rendition that leaves me laughing). So, being driven around by Chaplin Terry, who served as honor guard to Regan, George Sr. and Clinton. I was in nerd geek out heaven. The monuments and memorials were that of the still solemn feeling you get when you attend a funeral of a very good man or woman. My favorite spot was the Lincoln memorial. With each step I took up to the top I thought of the struggle this man had to go through. The hardships… I find him so endearing not just because of the great things he did as president but I connect with him because of his losses. This man lost two children. One while he was in office. What a tremendous agony to bear while trying to keep the union together. Needless to say I stood before his overwhelmingly large statue and got teary eyed. The Gettysburg address is engraved to his right and the words got me to let the tears that had brimmed up fall on my cheeks. It was a beautiful moment. You turn then to the front of the monument and look out over the capitol, the Washington monument and the national mall. It is really a moving experience. I highly recommend it to anyone. I was still on this “God bless America” USA!USA!USA!” kick the next morning when I was driving back to the airport to head home. The traffic in DC is pretty crazy. It has been a while since I lived near a city and the busyness got me a tad frazzled. I was a red light slapping the woman in my GPS when out of the corner of my eye I saw what I thought was a pile of old clothes laying in a heap on the street corner. I only looked twice because I saw a person waiting to cross the street and was curious why they had just walked past this pile of clothes. Then, I looked closer. under this pile of “clothes” was a person… sleeping. The clothes were old blankets and a very worn sleeping bag. The temperature was close to 30 degrees and I had even turned the cars heat on high for the drive. My heart began to literally ache. The light turned green and the GPS prodded me to go and so… I drove away from this person on the ground..covered in old fabric..sleeping on concrete. My mind was so pre-occupied with what I had just seen that until I boarded the airplane I was really somewhere else mentally. I was so mad at myself..Why did I not stop, get out and help this person? What could I have done? How could I have not seen right away that there was a HUMAN BEING in that pile of clothes I so curiously glanced at? The sense of hopelessness began to come to me. I boarded the plane, shoved my carryon in the overhead bin and sat down in my window seat and just stared out…blankly. I began to talk to God. Something like..God, what can I do? I am so ashamed that I did nothing. God, what can I do? We take off and there I am .. up in the clouds...“closer” to heaven and “nearer” to God. I begin to feel him whisper to me. I begin to ask forgiveness for my apathy, for my lack of action. I being to feel a fire growing in the pit of my soul. I wrote down some thoughts I felt were God inspired and am now sitting here at this desk on a “chilly” (by Floridians standards) morning typing out the following.
We are the CHURCH. We are not a BUILDING. If we cannot see past out own church bulletin and signs then we are blinded. What a travesty for us to gather together as believers and study the Bible together if we do not the PUT INTO ACTION what we study and learn. I am not content to sit in a pew, or stand on a stage or even stay in one place. God has placed a calling on my life to GO and BE love. GO and share what GOD has done in my life and what He can do in others lives as well. I am called to not just soak up the word, but to be wrung out daily, even hourly of it so that each time I am filled I am then again emptied out. What a beautiful picture of what our Christianity is. It is NOT about me… it is about JESUS and what HE did. I am calling on all of us who consider ourselves to be followers of Jesus to let go of our lines that we ourselves have drawn. To be free of the thought that our Christianity is just sitting in a “pew” or singing on a praise team or going to a Bible study…how empty that is! Why would we even “witness” to ANYONE if THAT is all we have to offer them! Jesus did not give his life for a club.

1 John 3:18

More than a prayer....

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I am coming off of a very full weekend where I spoke and sang at Acquire the Fire in Amherst, Mass. On the flight home I was looking out the window and watching the sun begin to pour it's colors onto that thin line of horizon and I found myself tearing up and overwhelmed with emotions. I had the oportunity to speak with many young people and even adults after I spoke and sang and one after the other they would ask me to pray with them. Tears would be streaming down faces and stories of broken people longing for restoration from God came at me full on. I embrace this and am humbled by the fact that God even uses me, a broken, cracked person longing for restoration myself, to touch the lives around me. My prayers would be those of asking God to forgive, for God to restore, for God to mend broken hearts and relationships. The weight of it all could smother you if not for the underlining hope that lifted it with each amen. so, at this moment watching the horizon, 38,000 feet above the ground I begin to weep at the thought of the hand that painted the sky being the same hand and arms that wrap around me and love me. These hands that also wrap around and love each and every one of us. I then being to wish I had the ability to DO something other than just pray for people. I have such a strong urge to be back at that arena, armed with ways to help. Just as I am about to become overwhelmed by the reality that I am heading in the other direction and not able to do so, I feel as if God whispers to me..You are my hands and feet. I am taken aback by this. I know this, I sing the song, I speak about it I live it. But it is simple. Even though I am not able to be there in person, other believers are. We need to do MORE than just pray for our friends, our parents, our children, our peers.. we need to BE Jesus to them. I think it is wonderful to pray for people, I know that there is power in prayer. But I think that we sometimes pray for someone or for a situation and then walk away without another thought. What a missed oportuiny to BE Jesus! I think it is time for Christians to not be known by our lack luster, judgmental, hypocritical stereotype. Let’s DO SOMETHING to change that! Let's get off of our backsides and BE Jesus. Take opportunities when they are presented. If a single mom asks for prayer because she is struggling to make ends meet, MEET a NEED! Take her grocery shopping, offer to watch her children for a night. If a teenager is acting out and asking for help with addictions, or maybe they have messed up and feel like no one cares about them.. DO SOMETHING! Take them under your wing and disciple them. Be an accountability partner with them. There are over 3 BILLION people on this planet; we are more than capable to find ONE (at least) to BE JESUS too. I am myself, ashamed to say that I do not practice this on a daily basis. But I want to start a movement a REVOLUTION of ACTION! I want to be known as a follower of Jesus and as one who ACTS (it's a VERB) like Jesus as well.
My prayer today is that I am more than just a prayer, that I am IN ACTION and DOING what God wants me to do.


to all the moms...for the laugh, you are welcome..

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

To start off this Blog I would like to say that this one is for you mommies everywhere.. this is to give you a good laugh. Hope your week goes well and that THIS does not happen to you…. Ahem…

There are many many things in my life that in retrospect were not the wisest of things to do. The funny thing is, for the most part we document these decisions by taking photographs. Not just take the picture.. Oh no, we pose. We go all out. We bust a move, stick out our tongues, bunny ears, funny face the whole sha-bang. I have boxes of pictures of bad choices in my house. The MC Hammer pants one. Oh THIS one is classic, and NO I will NOT be posting any of these. I can just hear “can’t touch this” and see me attempting to go “hammer time” in my 100 different color parachute pants. Oh..Oh.. Oh… Can’t touch this… sorry, had a moment. Then of course there is the whole pegging our pants and rolling them above the ankles…you know, to make room for the 15 pairs of multi-colored socks we adorned before we put on out penny loafers. Which by the way, you put actual pennies, nickels, and if you were amazingly cool dollar bills in them to show off your loafer power. I think it is a resourceful way to keep your lunch money safe. Oh, the memories.. bad choices in clothes. Don’t even get me started on the hair.. WOW. Aqua-net hairspray and hairdryers… at the same time. It is a miracle we all did not have our hair fall out or get burnt off our heads by the nearest open flame. The heights I reached with my bangs were epic. It was as if god himself had parted my hair like the red sea… yes, I have many photos of all these embarrassing things.
All this is to soften the blow of the absolute horror of the picture that my son saw this last weekend. It is really Tim’s fault. He insisted on taking pictures of every single event in our married life. Wedding, first house, first car, first job, first dog, the list is quite long.
So the other day I got our old, old laptop out to transfer all the baby pictures off of it to disk and then “it” happened. My kids of course wanted to come over and see themselves as babies..We were ooing and ahhing over the cuteness factor that the slide show was displaying, I got up to grab my coffee from the kitchen counter and I hear my 6 year old daughter say..WHAT IS THAT?!?!? I turn around slowly and if in the matrix and there it is…in all it’s glory. The BIRTH pictures of Gideon being born. (and I mean BEING BORN) Skye, who will probably be my doctor, starts pointing at things and asking questions. I am scrambling to answer, not wanting to freak out, I mean after all.. it IS part of life. But then I look at Gideon. He is staring at the screen. Jaw almost to the floor. His eyes are so big I can literally see his brain processing the absolute grossness of the picture that like a bad car wreck he can not turn away from. What do I do at this moment? I fast forward the slide show and we end on a positive upbeat picture of a baby and a puppy (that should erase the other picture right?) Needless to say, I am going to watch the pictures we take and view from now on.

mornin' "sunshine" grrrrrrr.....

Friday, September 17, 2010

Worship is a lifestyle?

It is early morning and the alarm clock has just gone off…. For the third time after me chucking a shoe at it to hit the snooze button. I am groggy, not wanting to get out from underneath the warm covers. As I attempt to place my feet on the floor to get moving I swear to you I heard my pillow inviting me to just lay my head down for 5 more minutes.. I decline the tempting offer and instead make a bee line to the coffee machine.
I am normally the first one up and am a stickler for being on time. But this morning after a long, emotionally draining day the day before I am not in my usual bright eyed and bushy tailed self. I am downright…. Well… cranky and not wanting to do anything other than go back to bed.
I call up to the kids for them to wake up. Apparently the whole “want to stay in bed” thing was a full blown contagious epidemic in the Williams house this morning; because it was 10 minutes before they came slooooooooooooooowly down the stairs (bed head FULL on) to breakfast. Breakfast is poured into bowls as I am in no mood to “prepare” anything requiring culinary skills such as cracking an egg or hitting the “30 seconds plus” button on my microwave. I know, I know, I do too much…Julia Childs eat your heart out. Breakfast is being eaten at a pace that would make a sloth get annoyed and scream “Hurry UP!” I run as fast as I can (which this morning is more like a crawl) to the shower and in 5 minutes get ready for the day. I come back to find my children on the couch, still in their pajamas and not in any way shape or form motivated to do anything else. This is when my patience began to fray. “Get your school clothes on” came barking out of my mouth. I had not even taken a sip of my coffee that I had forgotten I had even made earlier. My kids are now just making a game out of the whole thing and getting goofy and, yes, getting dressed... but putting shoes on hands, pants on head, shirts on legs... you know, just being silly. I immediately turn into a drill sergeant and make them drop and give me 20... Ok, ok, not really but I did get snippy and tell them to hurry up. I then rush my daughter into the bathroom to brush her hair and then find a way to keep her bangs (which she wants to grow out) out of her face, since she can not locate her headband. Grrrrrrrrr. I am rapidly becoming a very grumpy mom. I then, after making my daughter cry from giving her a lecture on “proper care of her headband” try to cheer her up and apologize then bark at her to get in the car.
I am not very happy with myself at this point. I grab my cup of coffee and get the kids in the car and we start the drive. We are late. I HATE to be late. No, I LOATHE being late. I also am just feeling miserable. I have rushed around, made my daughter cry and single handedly made this morning a hot mess. I begin to pray. (In my head as not to disturb the skillet music I put on for there “Friday music” to school) I prayed something like this. God, what is wrong with me? Why am I being such a grump? Please help me to stop being such a rushed, stressed mom this morning. Help me to calm down. Amen.
I felt as if I had just taken a deep breath and let it out. There was this slight relief. I turned around and asked my daughter to forgive me for being so rushed and being so snippy. I then asked them if we could start over and just decide that even if we were tired and grumpy that we make the best of this day. It was amazing the change in all three of us. The ick lifted and we smiled.
I began to think of a question that get’s asked of me often...”what is worship to you?” I tend to answer something along the lines of “well, it is a lifestyle.” I will go a step further this morning... for a mom... like me... WORSHIP is a day like I had today and still having the ability to find joy and smile and give thanks in the midst of it. My prayer today is that I remember this and live this. I want my kids to know that Mommy is not perfect but she trusts and worships a GOD who is.

Hope this encourages you this morning... now off to drink that forgotten cup of coffee.


New song I am almost done with... (hooray!)

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I never saw it coming , but I feel it to this day
This choice, this choice was Yours
And I still don’t understand
Silence kicked laughter right in the face
Blinded me
But Every time this life has run me over
you help me back to my feet

I’m down but not out
I’m stronger than those words
My love has gone through hell
Every scar has a story to tell
And you’re gonna listen this time
you’re gonna listen this time

I’ve had to forgive just to breath, its 6am again
Do you even notice, can you say it
Or will it always be like this
I’ve made some bad choices in the name of survival
When I was dying, i found
A reason to move and live
When I look in the eyes of my kids

I’m up but not finished
I’m stronger than the words
My love has gone through hell
Every scar has a storty to tell
And the world’s gonna listen this time
Baby you’re gonna listen this time

There is nothing to live for but Love
There is nothing to fight for but love
There is nothing to die for but love
There is nothing….nothing but Your love

So take that picture of that little girl
Helpless, abused, and broken
And light it up
The world’s gonna listen this time
Mamma your gonna listen this time
Cause I have nothing….I am nothing… I have nothing
Nothing but Your love

incident at target..... grrrrrr

Monday, July 26, 2010

The kids are upstairs. They are supposed to be playing in thier own rooms for 30 minutes due to an "incident" at Target. I am wondering... when exactly is the age that your children listen the first time, or at least the first 5 times you ask them to do somehting..or NOT do something.
Short little post today, but believe me... it has relieved stress and has kept me from losing it ... LOL


prides last stand....

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

holding in
carelessly aimed
and fired
reckless abandon
no care
or thought
other than
anyone other than
no accountability
none to bear
on shoulders
broadly spread
and chest
like a cat
about to pounce
The bird in cage
are the mouths
that drip
into innocent ears
and hearts
wells full of
have drown
many a man
and woman


Monday, July 19, 2010

Is there need
for an apology?
for an explanation
of notes sung
or words spoken?
Is there a blank page
that is only filled
when the crowd says the ink
has spelled out what THEY believe
rise up
be YOU
made you to be
not a carbon copy
of what some other carbon copy
tells you to be
hold your ground
do not give up one step
the ground beneath your feet
the rock on which you stand
is firmer than any accolade from those who
feel they own your thoughts
fire your gun
set ablaze your path
and BE love BE hope BE Jesus
and make
absolutely not one


I am a stone mover...

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Have to just take a break from this day. It started with the all too familiar barking dog who needed to go outside, then the kids are in need of breakfast and I am in desperate need of coffee and a shower. In the back of my mind is the nagging voice I hear almost constantly that I need to get to the piano and be productive and write a song... not just "a song" but an AMAZING song. So I quickly get the morning stuff over and done and while the last load of laundry tumbles in the dryer and the kids are in the family room playing Wii I sit on the piano bench and plunk at the keys. I then promptly return to the kitchen and make another cup of coffee. I plunk the keys again. Scribble out some lyrics and dive in. About a half an hour goes by and I am discouraged. I want to dig deep, I want to share my heart, I want to feel something when I write and it just feels... ick... blah. I go at it for about another hour then switch to the guitar. It is now 5:45 and my day has been consumed with this. I am now taking a break and I want to share with you what I just got out of 5 minutes of really spilling my guts to God and blubbering a tad to him. He reminded me of the story of Lazarus for some reason, so I, being the mac junkie I am looked it up and read. Then out of nowhere BAM ... this came to me.
When Lazarus was still in the grave even as Jesus walked towards them the people cried. They wept and did not understand why Jesus did not come sooner. They even questioned him. Then he himself walked over to the grave and wept. He cried for the death of his friend. But he did not just then turn around and walk away.. no, there was work to be done. He then had some men remove the stone from the grave and he called forth this dead man Lazarus and Lazarus came walking out shedding his burial clothes and living again. I took this all in and then began to think.. that is me.. I am a stone mover. I am one of those that God has called to remove the stones from graves of those who are dead. Dead from abuse, anger, the past, a bad marriage, a horrible childhood, a hidden sin.. I was there to remove that stone so that then God can call them forth and let them live again. This thought is giving me chills actually. Here I am thinking it is just a good melody line or good lyrics with a good voice singing but it is so much more. I am attempting to move stones from peoples "graves" in an attempt to raise them from the death they are in.
So, with that I am off to work again rejuvenated and ready to move some stones.

The house that built me....

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

so there is this song I was recently "introduced" to that has stuck with me and really impacted me; The House that Built Me by Miranda Lambert. The person who "introduced" me to it had no idea that just 3 days prior that I had stopped by my childhood home and walked up to the driveway but did not have the nerve to knock on the door. I literally felt sick. You see, I grew up in a very dark place that hold many horrific memories for me. It is not a place I think of and say "wow, I remember the time we laughed, and had a good time. Oh the memories" It is actually a place I spent years trying to forget. Yet, here I was standing in the driveway and trying not to throw up from being face to face with my stolen childhood. After standing there for what seemed like forever I truned and with legs shaking headed back to the truck and got in. I turned around and looked at my two small children in the back seat. I have told them stories about that house through rose colored glasses in order to shield them from some of it. I watched them giggling over the movie they were watching, headphones on and completely unaware that the kindercare parking lot they were in was a dragon that their mommy was facing and slaying right as they were being .... children. You see, MY children will never have to know the rejection of their mom or the abuse of a stepfather. They will not have to live in fear of a hand or fist being raised at them. This place of darkness that I endured has built me to be a better mom and person. I am in a strange way grateful for it. However, one day I WILL get up the nerve, knock on the door, and touch walls that once held me prisoner and walk out able to see them as just man made construction and nothing more.
So, thank you ... (you know who you are) for sharing that song. It really impacted me and was just what I needed to hear that day.


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I had a pretty emotional day yesterday. Friends of mine just had their first baby and I went to go see them. To hold this little one was precious. She had the face of an angel and just was, sincerely, beautiful. I found my arms acheing to be filled again with another baby... you know how it is mama's we all get that "twinge" of an urge at times. After praying for mom, dad and baby. I headed out. This is where the emotional part comes in. You see, the hospital where I was at was the one that all three of my babies were born; and where my first baby boy was brought in for what they thought was treatable pnemonia and hours later he lost his life....three doors down from where I was standing. I found my feet walking towards the room and I could not stop. I stood at the doorway and felt such a terrible pain in my heart. I miss my son dearly. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about him. There will always be an empty place that will not be able to be filled. I began to have that day played out in my head. All the way to the part where God met me in the little office behind where I was standing. I had an encounter with God that day. I was NEVER going to live my life the same again. Never live my life in a haze of "religion" or as I like to say.. trying to BE good enough to earn grace. Trying to DO all the right things to "be" a "christian". I made my path clear that day. I was going to live a transparent life before GOD and MAN. I was not going to hide behind masks and false pretence. Life is so short. In an instant we can be gone, or ones we love can be gone. LIVE each moment that way. Be reminded that God not only loves you, but he loves everyone. If we are not willing to be REAL and let God use our "not so fuzzy" goddie moments, than how do we expect Romans 8:28 to be put into action? We are to give God EVERYTHING... the GOOD, the BAD , the UGLY, the REAL.

So, sorry about the sappy post everyone.. but this is my heart today.


what is my worth....

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Well, it was Mothers Day once again, and I found myself giving myself the “yearly employee review”. You know the one… the am I good enough speech. Well, I came to the conclusion that I am a work in progress. While still feeling like I am not making any at times. There seems to be this need in me to prove something to anyone who will take the time to notice. I find myself leaning toward the side of craving approval and not relying on the complete source of my worth, God. I start the day out with talking to Him, asking Him to be with me all throughout the day and to give me strength. I have a list of things that I need to get done before the kids are even out of bed and I feel energized and ready to go. As I pull into the parking lot of the kids school it starts. The, am I a good mom? Am I giving enough to volunteer in their classes? Do I show enough love? Did I brush Skye’s hair enough? Does Gideon feel like I don’t give him enough attention? The list in my head is a monster that just roars and roars. After the drop-off it is time to tackle the daily “chores” and errands. The silence at times can be deafening. I will find myself done with everything with a couple hours to spare before pick-up and I will sit at my piano or guitar and attempt to write a tune, or just take that time to sing out my frustrations or put to music what I can not express otherwise. It is in these moments that I find God. I find that the maker of the universe is sitting in the same room with me, listening to me and telling me.. (get this) that he LOVES me and made me unique and thinks I have great worth. At times it is overwhelming. I mean, I tend to want to live up to expectations, to find my failings as the defining mark of who I am. I wallow in my falling short and too often refuse to let the forgiveness that has been given by Him stick on my soul in my eyes. When I stop for a moment and just listen to God whisper to the very depth of my soul and tell me he LOVES me. That my worth is defined by the one who CREATED me and gave His life for me. How glad I am that this is reality not what I make it to be. How wonderful to rest in that thought and be able to take another step, breathe another breath and know I can do it without expecting applause from others. He sets me free from that, and gives me the real in place of the fake.

Revolutionary LOVE...

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I am writing tonight on my "book" and I stopped to just jot down this Blog Post..

So tired of playing “church”. This tired, worn out; un-fulfilled soul
is DONE playing church! I am on a MISSION to start a REVOLUTION! I
want to make a cry, make a PLEA to all those who call themselves
“Christ followers” to RISE UP and say WE ARE DONE PLAYING CHURCH! We
are no longer content to just GO to church and PLAY a part! We are no
longer content attempting to EARN our salvation! We are no longer
content on having a religion with God we want a RELATIONSHIP with our
GOD! We want to have that relationship be so alive, living, breathing
that it is evident to all around us that we have REAL LOVE to GIVE
AWAY to the HURT, the LOST, the POOR, the NEEDY. We are DONE playing
church and we are ready to take up our mission in this life which is
to BE the church! To BE Jesus to those all around us.
I am no longer willing to just sit back and hoard my salvation, my
lifejacket and watch others struggle for breath in this ocean of life.
I am willing to be transparent and willing to be used by GOD to show
LOVE to others.
Let’s start a REVOLUTION of LOVE that is REAL! Are you with me?

smoke and mirrors..and then there is reality.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

The alarm screams at me from across the room. It is sitting right where I put it last night in my brilliant attempt to make sure I actually GOT out of bed to turn it off, which would then force me to have to wake up. It kind of works, in that it DOES make me get out of bed to turn it off but I am far from being awake. The shuffle to the Kurig starts and the rhythm I make with my bare feet across the wood floor is like a whisper telling me.. go back to bed..
I continue my trek across the "Sahara" and reach the promise land and my coffee cup is filled in 2 minutes with a hot cup of black coffee. I sip, and only then do my eyes open with the slight hope of actual coherent thought to follow. Second sip, I am ready to go. I crack the morning whip and the kids are up, breakfast on the table, lunches packed and then I am off to shower and dress quickly before we leave for school. I stop for a moment in front of the mirror before I get to the shower and wince. Who in the HECK is that ugly, bed head, no make-up chick? Ugh! It is me in all my REAL glory and flaws staring at me, laughing at me and making me want to consider having no mirrors anywhere near where I have to shower or even have to look at myself.
It is REALITY that can shock us. It is REALITY that makes us want to become something else.. or is it? Maybe it is not reality that causes us to long for or thing we have to be more.. maybe it is the fact that we have bought into that "smoke and mirrors" ARE reality. They are NOT. I am not just talking about our outward appearances. That is only scratching the surface, quite literally. How about our lives as mothers? We feel the need to update our social networking sites with cheery, witty, and self gloating and sometimes downright lying about our lives and all it's "grandeur". It makes us feel "better" about ourselves.. but WHY? What is wrong with reality... I for one am sick of the whole lot of it. It is CRAP that we buy into. There is no reason to feel we have to make ourselves appear to be perfect.. I am NOT perfect. I have NO desire to be perfect or to attempt to look perfect. I want to learn to embrace the cracks and flaws and realize that beauty is not beauty when it is a carbon copy of a zillion others "works of art". I am an original.. so are you.

OK.. babble blog done for the evening.. I have to go eat a donut and sip some coffee at 8pm on a Thursday.. I MAY even lose my temper or say something stupid before the night is through.
How about you?

a "toast"....

Monday, April 5, 2010

It is official. I have lost my grip on control in my life. I stood in my kitchen this morning making breakfast for my two small children and my daughter asks for toast. I reach for the bread and my son chimes in that he too would like a slice of toast; with jelly, no butter, and not too burnt. The slices go in the toaster and I start packing lunches for school. The toaster starts to buzz and I pull out the toast and prepare it just as requested. My daughter starts in with the complaining. Her toast is too burnt and the butter is all melted. She is rather whiny and goes on and on until her brother starts to chime in. I bend down and proceed to tell my daughter that she is an example for her little brother and I count on her to make good decisions to show him the right choices. My points were brilliantly made even while holding a butter knife with peanut butter and a smear of jelly on the handle. In my head I was praising myself on my cool demeanor and my positive way of conveying my brilliant motherly counsel. After looking me in the eyes and listening patiently I finished and my daughter says. "Mommy that took an awful long time to tell me, my toast is even more soggy now and I think that the right choice would be to make another piece for me."
I made more toast.

Fix you...

Friday, April 2, 2010

So I am listening to Coldplay today.. shocker right? And "Fix you" comes on. This song has been a favorite of mine for many years and it seems to move me every time. Very rarely can one song do this over and over but indeed this one does. I think the whole thought of anyone saying that they would want to try and fix me is what chokes me up. The lyrics:

When you try your best but you don't succeed
when you get what you want but not what you need
when you feel so tired but you can't sleep
stuck in reverse
and the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you can't replace
when you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?
Lights will guide home
and ignite your bones
and I will try
to fix you
Well high up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
but if you never try you'll never know
just what you're worth
lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and I will try to fix you

(now at this point of the song the music builds and I just imagine myself running as fast and as hard as I can pushing past the pain past the burn past the thing or person I am actually running from.. from the fear . ... from the loneliness.. from the past... from who I was before... before HE came and fixed me...)

tears stream
down your face
when you lose something you could not replace
tears stream
down your face
and I.... I.....
tears stream
down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
tears stream
down your face...
and I... I....

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and I will try ... to

fix you.

See.. It doesn't have to be a Chris Tomlin song to touch your heart.. to have God actually speak to you. The cool thing is HE created music and if he wants to be seen or heard in it .. he will be... he is that amazing.
I feel so unworthy of the sacrifice He made for me.. for us.. But in all my tattered shame I am every day reminded that He died for me and that if I allow him too.. he can fix me.

Happy Easter everyone...

May you never forget your worth and the price that was paid for you... that even while you were in your dirtiest, lowest, scummiest worthless point.. he STILL died for you... and LOVES you.

Dear Life,..... sincerely, Heather

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Dear Life,

How is it that one minute I am so in love with you and the next I hate you and then even another minute I am scared to death of you... how is that? Is it the fact that I can't control you; the fact that you seem to at will change and hurl things and people at me and I instinctively want to embrace or duck? The motion is constant and is making me feel nauseated. I feel I might just throw up ... too much swaying and mind manipulation. I feel like a silly child with a schoolgirl crush on you. I believe what you tell me, giggle when you are near and cry into my pillow when you don't respond to my calls.
If you could, try to be a little gentler with me for the next few days... I am just not able to digest the mood swings. If you could I would appreciate it. I wish you would call me back though, I long to talk to you again and get what you are saying. It makes me so lonely when you leave me guessing on my own. Or, maybe that is what you want me to do... make a decision on my own. Without you telling me the answer.. you want me to be the one to chose to jump in with both feet.
Anyway, I hope you are well.. and that well "you" are treating yourself well.. haha .. OK stupid joke.. don't hate me?

Sincerely and always around,

bubble wrap dare.....

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

It is way past late night television and I cannot sleep. Everyone is pretty much off to dream land in my house and I am wide awake with racing thoughts. On the way home last night Skye (my 6 yr old daughter) starts to ask..out of the blue.. where do people go if they have no home. I started to do the whole "simple 6 year old style" answer "well, honey they find shelter wherever they can". She was quiet for a few minutes. I am thinking I have answered her question. She then says, "mommy, what do they eat?" I answer again in simplest terms that they find food wherever they can. Skye is quiet for almost 10 minutes and then I begin to hear her cry. I turn around, "What is wrong baby?" I ask. "Well, I think WE should let them live with us and cook them food." I was taken aback. I mean, in the simplest of terms through the eyes and heart of a child she had just spoken the pure words of what we really are supposed to do. My mind is just thinking of ways to explain to her that we cannot do that, we do not know these people.. they could be dangerous.. they could not want our help.. they could... well, you get the picture.
Everyone is tucked in and goodnights are said. I watch my weekly crack addiction of LOST then pick up my book to read before dosing off.. i thought. In the middle of a paragraph my mind is overtaken with my daughters question. You see, I spent almost 3 months of my life homeless. In the middle of winter in Detroit. So, I UNDERSTOOD the need. I knew all too well the loneliness, hunger and exhaustion you feel when you are in that situation. All of a sudden my mind was overtaken with images of those days. I closed my book and went over to the music room.. maybe I could clear my head and go to bed if I just play for a while. But even the piano did not calm my mind.
So, here I sat insomniac with a racing mind and a heavy heart. I WANT to do what she said.. let people into my home, feed them... clothe them. When in the HECK did I get so jaded? When did seeing the world though the needs of others leave me and instead sit a woman who was so caught up in her bubble wrap that she could not even see correctly. Have you ever tried to look through a sheet of bubble wrap? Well, I have.. I held it up one time to the light and it distorts your vision. you really can't see anything but shapes.. sort of. Well, here I am living and viewing the world through my own personal bubble wrap. People are shapes. Their needs just shadows of shapes. Somewhere after 2:30 I drift off and fall asleep. But this morning my mind is still fixed on my daughters words. So, I am making a change. A DRASTIC change.. I am going to start LIVING my life LOOKING.. actively LOOKING for ways to serve and help others. I do not know how but I am going to not turn a blind eye to people who are in need.. I am no longer going to just see shapes.. I want to see PEOPLES.. I want to walk in their shoes.. I want to BE Jesus to them. I want to maybe in some small way be an answer to a prayer an answer to a need.

So, I DARE you to do the same.. LIVE your life in someone else's shoes today... feel what they feel and ACT accordingly to their need. i DARE you.


not your "pep talk" kinda blog today...

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

This is going to be a DOOSIE today folks so read only if you can handle the writings of a person who has been hurt and is now venting through a keyboard to feel a tad better.
Friendship. What exactly IS that? I mean I USED to think it was when people were there for another person and enjoy their company and want to be there for them when times get rough. Well, it seems I was (cue annoying LOUD last second 3 point shot buzzer noise) nope.. WRONG!!
I have felt the complete sting of finding out that a person I thought was a "real" friend of mine was not and I am dealing with the emotions in different ways.
I have always been an upbeat person.. an optimist if you will. A hippie chick love peace and all that stuff. It is tough for me to be cynical for longer than like a day or two.. maybe. But this situation has me feeling like this for almost 3 weeks now and I HATE this feeling. Like really really HATE it. This is not "me". I don't get "hurt" per say by people and how they treat me.. right? I mean what does it matter anyway? See.. that right there.. the whole "what does it matter anyway" crap.. THAT is not "me". The TRUTH is it matters a lot to me. This person mattered... OK.. matters a lot to me. And to lose this friendship as tough as I want to be.. is really hurting bad and I do not want to become a cynical, bitter do not trust anyone type of person. I could really use a good cry I guess.. problem? I really do not cry all that much, and when I do it is NOT pretty.. like snot, blubbering, and sometimes even the HUGE consumption of ice-cream and/or chocolate (in ANY form).
So, the point of this whole blog today... well... you get to peek into my soul and see I am human I guess. I am attempting to find a way to deal with losing this friendship and am also trying to scrape off this disgusting facade of cynicism and dig out hope that has fueled my soul for my entire life. Who knows? Maybe this will make me stronger.... OK, OK.. now I am just sounding like one of those 1987 "after school specials" where Tina smoked a joint and drives drunk but she is only 7... NOT wanting to go there.

Anyway, no worries.. I now feel a little bit better.. thanks for those of you..(if there is anyone left reading this dribble) who read my venting... sorry, not such an "uplifting" go conquer the world speech Heather today... but it is all good...


the people who say "words can't hurt you" have apparently never been smacked in the face with a Bible....

Saturday, March 27, 2010

So let's just start this off by me saying that in NO WAY am I making this post a political statement or in anyway condoning ANY political party and or politician.. those who know me know how I feel about politics and polititians.. and I want to be semi nice so I will keep those to myself .. ;)
So, without further adue let't stir this pot .. shall we?

It has come to my attention that when people who are Christians vote they for the most part vote along the Republican party line. That is not either good or bad to me.. I am just stating this to get my thoughts going for you. So, the majoraty of people who would refer to themselves as a "christian" vote Republican. And for the most part the news that we take in would be that of FOX news and the likes. So, the other night I am flipping, basicly because it was not LOST night so I was bored. I came across a news program and the mediator was arguing with a Democrat congressman and they were talking about the war. Which is funny.. don't they know that there is a whole "health care" debate going on.. anyway.... so, they are "discussing" the war and the topic comes up reguarding the opinion of the mediator that the liberals "demoralize" our troops and they make them feel like we are not behind them. It is quite inflamitory actually, because as an American I COMPLETELY support my troops and would take offense if anyone were to talk smack about them. This is a 10 minute "debate" and I can just see the Christian community nodding their heads at this and getting riled up at the thought of ANYONE demoralizing our troops. Heck! Even I was getting mad.. and it was just a silly cable show that is not even "news" as much as it is entertainment. I was MAD. I was SICK to my stomach over the thought of words hurting someone who was serving our country. Then this morning it occured to me, WE Christians get SO ticked about that ... but don't we do that to OUR "troops". I mean we gossip about people. We spread it like wildfire in order to be "praying" for people. We seem to enjoy the behind the back accountabilaty and the preach at people method when it comes to fellow belivers no? I mean I have. It is easier to be that way than to actually go to someone and talk with them in LOVE.
I guess my "point" (if I even have one here..) is that WHY in the HECK do we get SO riled up about things that we don't even apply to our spiritual life? It is no wonder we have church splits and people "competing" to sing songs at services and marrigeas failing all around us. We TALK a good TALK but we STAB a good back too. I say, let's start a REVOLUTION of REAL LOVE for our fellow belivers.. HECK (i am saying heck a lot no?) our fellow MANKIND.
It must make God frustrated that we care more about our politics than we do our relationship with Him and OTHERS having a relationship with Him.

I am in NO way saying we should not speak up for what is right, or what we believe in when it comes to our country.. just saying what gets more of your passion? Your attention? Your "Acitvisom?"

LOVE God LOVE people SERVE others.


all you need is LOVE.... right?

Friday, March 26, 2010

What is it about the simple truths in life that make people think you nieve if you believe them or live by them? Is it the fact that we in our humaness can not fathom the simplicity of grace, love or forgiveness so we add to it with our own "actions" that we act like need to be done in order to "earn" it? I find myself in this cycle a lot. I find myself at a place in need of forgivness and the grace of God and I ask and receive it but still find guilt that makes me feel like I need to pray more, read my bible more, serve at a soup kitchen ANYTHING to absolve this sin I am wanting to be forgiven for. It is silly really. I mean, God has forgiven me and washed it clean and yet I am running around in my own human flesh thinking I can DO something to atone MYSELF. It is ridiculous and sad. There was a time in my life when I thought that Christianity was all about that. All about DOING .. THINGS, stuff to MAKE me a Christian. To make me "worthy" of grace. Almost 8 years ago, holding my son's lifeless body in my arms I had an epiphony .. an "aha" moment. A moment where I "met" God and talked with him in a way that shook me to my core and made me NEVER want to be what I was before that moment. A HUMAN being attempting to EARN salvation by DOING. It was as if my eyes were opened for the first time. I received grace and clung to it. I longed for a REAL relationship with God, not a religion that I could "control" in order to make my own way to "feeling" like a "good christian."
Every time I would open my Bible the words would hit me different than they had before. I remember reading the following and understanding it clearer than ever.
In Matthew Chapter 22:34-39
34Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. 35One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: 36“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
37Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’b 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’c 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.

I mean Jesus himself just gave us the "cliffnotes" of our entire Christian walk. How amazing is that.. we can read it and TRUST it to be the TRUTH. I understood that it all comes down to LOVE. LOVE for God entirely and LOVE for others that we can give away ... It blew my mind. That this Savior who LOVES me and FORGIVES me (AND forgets my sin) wants me to then GIVE LOVE away to others. To show HIM to others with LOVE. How do we expect to have Christ be shown in us if we can't even follow simple direction FROM his lips?

Anyway, kind of a ramble Blog today but I was up all night thinking about this.. and just really in a deep conversation with God. He has put up with so much from me and has given me such an amzing oportunity to SHOW Love and BE Love to people and I intend on being and doing just that.

Hope you all have an AMAZING day and weekend!


i was unaware there was a "dress code"

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

There is such pressure placed upon us women to fit into a certain mold. Can't
even turn on the television without some sort of bombardment of an "image"
that is pretty much unattainable seeing that photo shop is not able to "go live" yet..
(one can dream) We all sit around at our "ladies teas" and our "bible studies" our "get togethers"
and talk about it. Heck, we even have entire "Christian Women's Conferences" telling us
that we do not need to fit into this mold. There are magazines with inspiring
articles and books that promise to give us the secret to being "joyful" or "content"
or even to "be a better you".
Well, I am here to say that I have chosen NOT to buy into that garbage. GASP!!!!!! I know
some of you are shocked.. but hear me out.
Isn't it pretty much the same thing just in a "christian" package? I mean, why
do we act like going to a conference or buying a book is going to make us happy?
I am not against those things.. they can be ENCOURAGING.. but are they really meant
to be what we seek out to sustain us? To me if we have that mindset as women we
buy into the same lie that we "shun" in the "world". If we do not get our worth FROM
God and God alone than we are setting ourselves up to fail.. and fail miserably. Which
may I just say.. I FAIL miserably all the time.. THAT is the beauty of it. I on my own WILL fail
and should expect to fail trying on my own. But here is the GREAT news... the ONLY
true statement you can BANK your "joy" on. God is right there when you fail miserably
and he is there to pick you up not to push you back down.. or to tell you
how miserably you failed and that you suck. Quite the opposite actually. He has always been
there when I fail encouraging me to keep going. To not look back and to press on.

I know that there are times in all of our lives when we just want to give up
we want to just say FORGET this CRAP I am DONE! We either hold our hands up
in surrender or jump into the downward spiral that pulls us even further
into the lies we believe. I for one am sick of trying to get "advice" from human beings
and am wanting to rely on God to give me my worth. I am clinging to him like a
life preserver. I know that I would rather be doing that than treading water and waiting
for the inevitable sink that will swallow me and drown me.... not worth it.

monkey see..monkey do.. too bad I am a Jackass (calm down I am referring to the stubborn animal)

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I am about to lose it.. the woman holding my children's hand is my mother-in-law and she has now for the um-teenth bazillionth time grabbed them and rushed ahead of me. Grrrrrrr... I am so upset. It is not bad enough that she made me feel like I was a jerk for sitting in the back seat with my children and brings a bad of toys and crayons EVEN THOUGH I ALWAYS bring more than enough to amuse my children. I am a good mom, NO.. make that a GREAT mom. And NOW she is taking over like I am not even here. I am fuming! I start to pretty much "race" her to get to the children when each attraction is over and be the one to "grab" the children and run like heck laughing in sweet sweet victory... Buwahahahaha!

Then... hours later on the ride home....

The kids are in the back seat WITH grandma who has successfully weaseled her way into the position of "grand Pu bah" of the back seat. Grrrr... I am fuming again. I turn "kids place live" on the radio and put it all in the back. The kids begin to go a little out of control. They are bossing Grandma around who in my opinion is too nice and naive to understand that her little perfect angels have successfully located her weakness and are exploiting it to the fullest... yes, my little pretties.. (ok... maybe that was taking it too far) They then begin to act extremely selfish with each other and everything ends up escalating to a fevered pitch and then I step in.. I calm myself down and say "Children, STOP being so selfish and rude to one another". As the last word exits my mouth I choke. ugh! I was telling them to act in one way but behaving myself all day in another. Here I was all day thinking about myself and how I was mad at every little thing and being a complete jackass by demanding my own way. To the point of being angry at my mother-in for the fact that she wanted to spend time with her grandchildren. Wow.
It is like I have punched myself in the stomach. I apologized to my mother-in-law and now have the astute pleasure of having "THE conversation" with the kids after I post this. Wish me luck... and pray that I can try and LIVE out what I tell my kids to do.

Yo.. Ho.. Ho... and a bottle of HO-HUM....

Monday, March 22, 2010

If pirates of the Caribbean Jonny Depp (sigh....give me a moment.. ok...) a.k.a. Captain Jack Sparrow has a compass that seems to not work properly. He rambles on and on, opens and shuts it at random appearing to have it show "the way" to somewhere or something very important. THIS ... is how my life goes sometimes. I am going by what I know I am supposed to be doing and what I KNOW I have been "made" to do yet it always seems like there are people who like to add in their two sense about what I am supposed to do with my LIMITED time. It is overwhelming to say the least the amount of stuff that I have on my plate. Now, before you go offering "advice" to me about taking things "off my plate" .. save it. The problem is not the amount of things on my plate it is the fact that people still expect me to GIVE more. I am not superwoman nor do I have the drive, time or even the slightest bit of desire to be her. I am ME. I am comfortable with ME and who I am. I think that if women and mothers could just BE comfortable and content with who they are then we would not feel the need to pick at other women to make ourselves feel better. It is not someone else's place or dare I say that it is NOT their "calling" in life to be every other women's (AHEM.. clears throat to emphasise the sarcasm) "accountability partner".
OK, this venting session has been brought to you by an honest woman who is sick and tired of seeing women compete with and tear down other women in a futile and quite ridiculous attempt to make themselves feel better.....
signing off now to go and BE me.


crock pots and crack pots...

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Have you ever de-boned a chicken at 7am on a Saturday? Well, I highly do NOT recommend it... to anyone.. especially before drinking coffee and possibly taking some sort of sedative. I mean WHO in their right mind does this right? Well... I did, today, 7am this morning. on a SATURDAY. Am I nuts? I had some sort of strange drive to be little miss Martha Stewart goody 2-shoes Super Proverbs 31 woman today...AKA de-bone a chicken and stick it in a crock pot. I was not in the mood nor had enough coffee to ingest to make queries on a field or tell my house maids to purchase it.. so the next best thing was make dinner.. at 7am on a Saturday. My martyrdom began with the removing of the plastic film surrounding the poor deceased (yet delicious) animal (God rest it's soul) and placing it inside the crock pot. Then the dirty work begins. To anyone who has ever had to do what I am about to describe I offer my sincere apologies and have now been made aware of the effects of "post traumatic stress dis-order" . ahem.. ok.. so THEN you have to reach into the chickens... hmm.. ahem... rear end.. and pull out a bag of it's neck and guts. WOW this is sooo making me hungry. How about you... I digress... After thoroughly shaming the deceased I then dispose of the bag of evidence and proceed to cover the body with carrots and celery (YEAH, like this gives any more dignity to the situation.. which then makes me consider some Mrs. Dash) Sprinkle lightly with seasoning, add some water and potatoes then cover the "yummy dish" and switch the crock pot on. WHEW! I just single handedly gave myself bragging rights to anyone and everyone who asks me "what are you doing for dinner? " To which I can now reply.." Oh ME? Well, I already made dinner .. at 7am THIS morning.. this SATURDAY morning."
Yeah, this is my Blog today... it is not glamorous but it is pretty much my morning.. anyone want to go out for pizza tomorrow? ;)

if you really want to know "me" talk to me OFF stage

Friday, March 19, 2010

There is a moment when I am on a stage singing that the world seems to just go away. I find myself standing in this glow of .. well I guess you could say the glow of God himself. I stand in it and just soak it up. There are few times that I get to be un-disturbed and able to belt out a tune with gusto and just let my heart be emptied. But when I am singing on a stage it is for certain a time with my creator that is un-rivaled.
The "down" side to all of this would be the perception that people get of me while I am on a "stage". It is the rush of thoughts at me from others when I am attempting to gather my belongings and rush home to my children after leading a worship service. Some of the questions are as follows.. "How is Nashville?" "How is the album coming along"" "When will you be on the radio?" Then the comments begin... "It must be so amazing to do what you are doing?" "How did you start doing music?" "Can you help me get into the "music biz"?"
Now, I am not saying that the questions are coming from a place that is bad, or that people are being mean, but it makes me sad. Why, you may ask? Because although a part of my life is doing the "music thing" it is not the BIGGEST part of my life. The BIGGEST part of my life would be the fact that God allowed me to be a pretty awesome part of bringing three lives into this world and has allowed me the opportunity to be a mom. All my life I have rocked baby dolls and pretended to be the little miss mommy. Don't get me wrong, I was also pretending to be a rockstar... just with children on each hip. ;)
So, for the most part this blog is NOT going to be about my life as a "music chick" and it will give you a real, honest look into my life as a not so "DIVA" mom. If you really want to know about me and get to know me.. then stick around and read my blog. I warn you.. I am honest and transparent to a fault.. and will hold not a lot back. Tears, laughter and even frustration will be poured out and typed with gusto as I gulp down my morning coffee.

Hope to have you along with me on this blogging journey...

Off to actually get out of my PJ's for the day.... (sips coffee....mmmmm)