baby steps......

Monday, April 23, 2012

Have you ever been at a place in your life where you just had God do something incredible? There is this rush of .. well.. emotions really. You feel like you could conquer anything, like nothing is impossible. Then “it” happens…. A roadblock, a tragedy, a friend betrays you, you can not figure a way out of another issue. What happens to that “rush” you just were experiencing? Well, for most of us we panic. We start freaking out and wondering.. “Why God!? Why is this happening to me?!”
Ever feel like you are the only one who experiences this garment of emotions?
What do we do in THAT moment is critical. It is probably THE most important step we take in the journey. The one step that says, I TRUST You God.
I remember when my kids were still only crawling. They desperately wanted to be more mobile. They would pull themselves up on anything they could. They would be so excited that they were standing! They would start clapping, laughing and just full of JOY. Then “it” happens. The realization that they don’t know what to do exactly. I am a few steps away holding out my arms encouraging them to just “walk to can do it!” “Mommy’s got you..come on you can do it!” They would look at me do the “baby bounce” of “I WANT to do it.. but not really sure what to do? Can I bounce over to you?” Then after a few minutes of “trying” they would plop down and just cry. THIS is how we feel sometimes isn’t it? I can imagine our Daddy God holding out His arms just a few steps away encouraging us that “We can do it.. I got you!” And we just stand and bounce with fear and confusion.
The enemy likes us to focus on the FEAR of the situation. But GOD wants us to focus on HIM. The truth is, if our eyes are fixed on HIM, even if the storm rages we are not shaken. Isn’t that the lesson Peter learned? Oh we of little faith, myself SOO included. Today, I am fixing my eyes on Jesus, the AUTHOR and FINISHER of my faith. I am not going to be shaken by my circumstances but I will be footed in TRUTH!
Doesn’t mean that the fear is not there, it means I CHOOSE to not focus on it, but rather on Jesus!

Happy Monday everyone!

Scriptures to read today:
Hebrews 12:2
Matthew 14:22-33

Insecurity is a four letter word.....

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I was having coffee with a friend yesterday morning and one of the questions we were discussing was .. How do you define insecurity? I answered.. Lack of worth. I have been contemplating that answer ever since.
It has been a vice of mine to pursue the approval of others. I can think back as far as my mind will allow me and pin point people I was trying to make "like" me or even "love" me. The ever out of reach love was pretty much what fueled my existence. It made me the most unlikely of optimists. A little girl abandoned and abused yet still holding out hope for the day it would stop and these people would love me. No wonder I struggle with insecurity. My worth has been tied up in the approval of others.. even others who don't like me or harm me. This blog is becoming a therapy session.. no?
When this journey began for me.. the one where I decided to lay it all out there for God to hear.. not just read my mind..but hear. It opened up a wound that I had held close for a while. It made me painfully aware of the fact that even though I KNEW that God loved me I still was living small parts of my life to "make Him love me". It is idiotic really. I mean, my head and my heart are obviously not on the same page and need to get it together...right? Total honesty and transparency are not just Church buzz words or Christian-eese to me. They are the absolute foundation to this relationship I have with God. They are the tools that are attempting daily to dig out of me this need to go after others approval and love. I have fought it. I have even tried to say it was not worth it.. but each time it digs a part out.. after the pain subsides I find myself injected with a little more worth. The kind that only takes a drop to make you stand a little taller. The worth that only my daddy God can give me. One day I will be able to stand completely. One day I will be able to look at my children's faces and not see my empty child-like self staring back at me. I will be able to fully embrace this Love and Worth. It might not be in this life.. I might have to wait until I step into eternity with God..but I am absolutely certain that no matter what God loves me.


Love the sinner .. not the sin.. oh, and if you could just pretend as if you never did sin.....

Saturday, April 14, 2012

There is a funny thing called reality. It is not the prettiest of things. It is not the funnest (is that even a word?) of things. It can be gritty. It can be smooth. It can be hideous and beautiful.. even at the same time. This reality is captured in many forms. Artists render pictures that show flaws and all.. that is, unless the artist has photo-shop and in that case if that artist knows what is good for him he or she will alter my face and body to make me look like a super model.. capiche?
We live in an age of instagram, photo booth, twit-pic etc..etc. We also can upload our "world premier" music video, diary of a mad (pick a color) person and rant. We live in a society that is on a quest for "reality"... but give it to us with our own "comfortable" slant please. Nowhere is this more evident than in some Christian circles. We like our reality sanitized.. thank you very much. I mean, we can't let little Johnny or Susie know the "real" story of our past. We have to make sure that they think Mommy and Daddy were super Christians from birth carrying on the quest of Christiandom with gusto and perfection. Well, here is the warning for anyone who is easily offended.. you MIGHT want to stop reading now and find a nice Joel Osteen blog and get on with your day. I for one am NOT in the business of trying to just add fluff to your day and make sure my sweet little stories and antic dotes make you feel better about yourself and encourage you to put on a smile and fake it til you make it. (yes, I have actually heard that preached from a pulpit before)
Why do we offer people such a small view of what God can do with a life? Is it more important to protect our reputation or appearances that we do not share with others our struggles or our past sins that God has forgiven? What is the deal? Why the shame? Now, I am not suggesting that we all sit around and just go on a sin-fest-share-a-thon and have a good ol' time.. I am saying that we can lose our effectiveness as a witness for Christ when we hide from it.
There is a room in all of our houses.. you know the one.. the one where all the crap lying around your house is shoved when you have guests coming over. Mine is the spare room.. which is exactly WHY I have a 4 bedroom house.. to have a crap room. In a panic I shove it all in there.. unfolded laundry, kids backpacks, half eaten cakes.. ok, maybe not the cakes but you get the picture. Then my guests come into my "clean" house and I get to pretend that everything is in order. I only lose my cool and panic when they happen to wander down the hall towards "the room" It is like The Tell Tale Heart and Beauty and the Beast all in one. I hear the heart beat and if they dare to touch the door knob I turn into the Beast and inside I am screaming.. "I told you never to GO in there!" Why? Because I want my guests to see the "cleaned up" version of my house.
This is just like what we do in our lives. We shove all our "crap" down and put on the "put together" mask and soldier on. All the while we are presented with people and opportunities to GENUINELY share Jesus with others and we smile through them. I for one find that God uses my "crap" as a tool to share Him with others. I can not even begin to tell you how many women I have spoken too who used to be alcoholics or sexually abused, emotionally abused, abandoned, lonely, ran from God, into drugs, anger issues etc..etc.. the list goes on. God is GLORIFIED by my admissions to these women of my past and then POINT them to the one who forgave me and is making me new every day. Oh my friends, how many broken hearts have we (not purposefully) ignored and rubbed salt into the wounds by acting as if we are perfect? How many desperate cries have we muffled by our "reality" banter and "clutter free" conversations?

The Bible is FULL of imperfect people. Daytime soaps have NOTHING on the Old Testament I tell you. Why do you suppose the inspired Word of God contains all these details? I mean, it could have been weeded out and cleaned up for us so that we wouldn't blush. But it reads, warts and all. The beauty of that is the redemption that is offered and many times given. The crucifixion would most certainly not be an event we would want our Church Lady Luncheon to be held at. The wife of Hosea would probably be a topic that we did not approach.. unless we are catching up on our gossip.
This post is getting a tad long, so I will wrap up. Here goes.

That is all.

<3 Heather

For a dear friend... words are cheap but you are not... (whispers a prayer)

Monday, April 9, 2012

Background noise
Inside my head
Trying to listen
Get distracted

Not quite sure if I am even aware
Of how I ended up right here
But I know in the process
Things became unclear

Cleaned up
Banged up
Give up
Not in that order
But most certainly
The way I’ve called out
The way I’ve tried to record it

How did it become
The little things
That outweigh the heaviness
of truth
How did the fuzzy line creep up
And steal
The sharpie pen mark

Gravel consumes my teeth
Sand overtakes my throat
Wind sweeps through my eyes
And leaves me dumb and blind
And choked

Oh to be a little girl
That looks out and sees
All the brightness of the sun
Taste the saltiness of the sea

The ache of want
Is a terrible thing
Stealing contentment
Raping peace

Sick of the mess
Tired of the retreat
Time to stand up
To lay down the knife
To pursue life
To pursue peace

Runnin' Runnin' Runnn Runnin' Runnin'....

Monday, April 2, 2012

I am at the moment crawling out from under the proverbial rock known as spring break...or should I say sleeping in for a week and now attempting to use my coffee cup as a floatation device. It is too bright out and too early to be talking much less typing. There are a few things still lingering from this last week. It seems that in the rush and craziness of life stopping and being still is very, very hard. It is almost as if we cannot survive without stress and craziness in our everyday lives. Now, I know some of us will immediately jump on our defensive, "Christian-eeze" horse and start quoting Scriptures about relying on God and He is our strength.. or too blessed to be stressed..but I say cut the crap we all fall victim to this and it really stinks.
I find that being in ministry we tend to fall victim to this even more. Why? I think it is because we assume our "job" is so "important" that it has to be full on stress and events and meetings and planning and... ugh! I for one am sick and tired of the church ministry hamster wheel of doom. The one where you run and run and seem to go nowhere but feel exhausted. Ugh! This last week has been such a sweet time of reflection and rest. It has been a time that God has shown me that my "ministry" is my life everyday and that if that "everyday life" includes stress and so much on my plate that the plate breaks then it is NOT good. I think that we all at one time or another fall victim to the "rat race".. I think it is time I am not a victim anymore. God is using all of us everyday. We should volunteer at our Church and be involved but not so much so that we lose our JOY and our FOCUS on Who and What is important.
I am trusting God today that He will continue to order my family's steps and keep us from ever being in a position of putting a "ministry" in front of GOD or our family.. yes, you CAN put "ministry" before GOD. Trust me.. I have and I am done with that.

God, You are my God and I will ever praise You!
sincerely,EX-"Christian Rat Racer"