I had a pretty emotional day yesterday. Friends of mine just had their first baby and I went to go see them. To hold this little one was precious. She had the face of an angel and just was, sincerely, beautiful. I found my arms acheing to be filled again with another baby... you know how it is mama's we all get that "twinge" of an urge at times. After praying for mom, dad and baby. I headed out. This is where the emotional part comes in. You see, the hospital where I was at was the one that all three of my babies were born; and where my first baby boy was brought in for what they thought was treatable pnemonia and hours later he lost his life....three doors down from where I was standing. I found my feet walking towards the room and I could not stop. I stood at the doorway and felt such a terrible pain in my heart. I miss my son dearly. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about him. There will always be an empty place that will not be able to be filled. I began to have that day played out in my head. All the way to the part where God met me in the little office behind where I was standing. I had an encounter with God that day. I was NEVER going to live my life the same again. Never live my life in a haze of "religion" or as I like to say.. trying to BE good enough to earn grace. Trying to DO all the right things to "be" a "christian". I made my path clear that day. I was going to live a transparent life before GOD and MAN. I was not going to hide behind masks and false pretence. Life is so short. In an instant we can be gone, or ones we love can be gone. LIVE each moment that way. Be reminded that God not only loves you, but he loves everyone. If we are not willing to be REAL and let God use our "not so fuzzy" goddie moments, than how do we expect Romans 8:28 to be put into action? We are to give God EVERYTHING... the GOOD, the BAD , the UGLY, the REAL.
So, sorry about the sappy post everyone.. but this is my heart today.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Well, it was Mothers Day once again, and I found myself giving myself the “yearly employee review”. You know the one… the am I good enough speech. Well, I came to the conclusion that I am a work in progress. While still feeling like I am not making any at times. There seems to be this need in me to prove something to anyone who will take the time to notice. I find myself leaning toward the side of craving approval and not relying on the complete source of my worth, God. I start the day out with talking to Him, asking Him to be with me all throughout the day and to give me strength. I have a list of things that I need to get done before the kids are even out of bed and I feel energized and ready to go. As I pull into the parking lot of the kids school it starts. The, am I a good mom? Am I giving enough to volunteer in their classes? Do I show enough love? Did I brush Skye’s hair enough? Does Gideon feel like I don’t give him enough attention? The list in my head is a monster that just roars and roars. After the drop-off it is time to tackle the daily “chores” and errands. The silence at times can be deafening. I will find myself done with everything with a couple hours to spare before pick-up and I will sit at my piano or guitar and attempt to write a tune, or just take that time to sing out my frustrations or put to music what I can not express otherwise. It is in these moments that I find God. I find that the maker of the universe is sitting in the same room with me, listening to me and telling me.. (get this) that he LOVES me and made me unique and thinks I have great worth. At times it is overwhelming. I mean, I tend to want to live up to expectations, to find my failings as the defining mark of who I am. I wallow in my falling short and too often refuse to let the forgiveness that has been given by Him stick on my soul in my eyes. When I stop for a moment and just listen to God whisper to the very depth of my soul and tell me he LOVES me. That my worth is defined by the one who CREATED me and gave His life for me. How glad I am that this is reality not what I make it to be. How wonderful to rest in that thought and be able to take another step, breathe another breath and know I can do it without expecting applause from others. He sets me free from that, and gives me the real in place of the fake.