To live is Christ, to die is gain..

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Tomorrow is a day I have been dreading for about 2 weeks now. It is just an ordinary Friday except for me it marks the day my son Caedmen died. I hate that a day can shake me to my core and quite literally break my heart. I am grateful that I have the hope of seeing him again someday. That he is with Jesus. I do miss him. The following words are for Him, my son,
Caedmen Issac Williams June 12, 2002 - December 30,2002

I've been living for your memory

carrying you with me

holding you in arms that only ache from nothing there

trying desperately to cling to you as a floatation device

just treading water for so many years

my legs have kicked and kicked

my mouth has gasped for air

inhaling bits of the sea with each breath

I can feel it you know

feel it pulling me under

There have been times I have stopped struggling

and have allowed my head to sink beneath the waves

I have opened my eyes under the water

the salt stinging my eyes

yet I keep them wide and try to look for you...

look for any sign of you

and I chicken out as I feel the urgency to breath

I surface once more

and resume the struggle

the struggle to live

to live for your memory

words straight from my heart...

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I couldn't sleep last night.. I sat awake and wrote these words down. I didn't even think they were anything other than the ramblings of a girl sitting underneath stars with poetic juices flowing .. But I just re-read them and have tears in my eyes as I recognize the hearts cry as my own... even sleep deprived. I love you Jesus! I am not ashamed of you! I long to live for You and You alone! Thank you for saving me!

These are the words I wrote:

Oh awake my soul
and voice take flight
and proclaim the one
who saved my life

Oh lungs breathe in
this life anew
that He alone
has proved as true

How can I sleep
How can I dream
When alive I am
in Him who died for me

Oh world
your chains
I drop and flee
for the one
the one
Who died for me
for the one
the one
who died for me

Oh feet stand firm
and never sway
or walk a path
that leads away

oh arms be open
to embrace
all who long to seek
His face

Let me race
steady on
towards the finish line
and hear well done

Oh world
your chains
I drop and flee
for the one
the one
Who died for me
for the one
the one
who died for me

-heather williams

Baking that manna....

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

We have an action Bible. A full blown, comic drawn with bubbles coming out of mouths and heads with appropriate bubble and or slant lines depicting the "action". It makes nightly devo's very fun. We are just staring on the Israelites and their desert party. As we read the complaining grumblings about food I do not know why it peaked my interest but it did. I started going over and over in my head the idea of Quail at night and Manna in the morning. I mean, God just handed them food. QUAIL no less..not under glass but, hey.. And this manna. A frost like covering on the ground harvested each morning. Some of the Israelites tried to "store" it; thinking that they would need to store up enough just in case the manna was not there tomorrow. This is where I was like "hold up.. say what?!" I mean, God makes it rain sweet bread and you are questioning if he is going to take care of you. Wow. I then start drifting off into my own little ADD world and start thinking about times I have attempted to "store up manna" or even worse.. throw it away and try to make my own "bread". I mean, we all have been there. We want something, a dream, a relationship, a family, a job, recognition, people to say we are awesome at what we do. We all think about such things. At one point or another we make the choice to either trust God that He will bring into our lives HIS plan and HIS BEST plan or attempt to put together our own plans or as I like to call it.. settle for less. There seems to be a lesson here for all of us. Which is just this.. Let's not throw away the manna and try to bake our own bread.

Do you hear what I hear...

Monday, December 12, 2011

The Christmas season is upon us... (screech) ok, that just sounds like the beginning of a hallmark commercial or a speech given before the Christmas offering.. so I will start again.
I love Christmas. I do not mean that I "like" Christmas..that I am excited about Christmas..or that I hope to consume large amounts of cookies in the next 12 days. I mean that I LOVE Christmas. There is something about the reminder that Christ came as a baby. A baby, a helpless baby. Dependant upon people to care for His every need. Came down to us as a gift. It blows me away. It brings tears to my eyes like nothing else.
I just finished up a week of rehearsals and two days of performances of the annual Christmas "pageant". My daughter sang in the show and it was cute as can be. They sang Rudolph the red nosed reindeer and a song about hearing the angels sing of Jesus' birth in Bethlehem. I sang... wait for it.... "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire." Now, I am not in any way saying that this is a bad song. It is one of my favorites to listen to when driving in my car going Christmas shopping. I even sing along to it. But I have to be honest with you all today. I have been sick to my stomach all weekend over this. It is actually funny, because I am not some high horse better than you person..but I am sad to my core that I was in front of over 2500 people and the song I sang on a stage in a spotlight was "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire". I actually was talking to God about it last night and could not sleep. It may sound silly. It may even make some of you mad that I am even saying it.. but I felt ashamed that I took that platform and glorified anything other than Jesus. I am in tears as I am typing this. This was not a song I chose to sing.. but I agreed to do it. I believe that we are given platforms in our life for one purpose only. To glorify God. It may sound drastic. It may get me labeled a jerk, a Jesus-freak, a whiner, a loser, a weirdo, an idiot. But I do know that I lived a large portion of my life glorifying ME and living for ME.. and it left me empty. I know that when I made the decision to die to self and to live for Jesus that I truly began living. I know that He saved me from the depths and I am grateful beyond words. Why would it be worthy of anything less than my whole life and my whole heart given to Him?
I guess I am just using this blog as a therapy session this morning. Honestly it is probably not going to make me very popular with the people I sang on a stage with. But I have to speak the truth. I have to be willing to say I was wrong about something. I have to be willing to stand up and say that I am not going to just entertain. I am going to use what HE has given me.. a voice.. to Glorify HIM and HIM alone.

Merry Christmas Everyone..