bubble wrap dare.....

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

It is way past late night television and I cannot sleep. Everyone is pretty much off to dream land in my house and I am wide awake with racing thoughts. On the way home last night Skye (my 6 yr old daughter) starts to ask..out of the blue.. where do people go if they have no home. I started to do the whole "simple 6 year old style" answer "well, honey they find shelter wherever they can". She was quiet for a few minutes. I am thinking I have answered her question. She then says, "mommy, what do they eat?" I answer again in simplest terms that they find food wherever they can. Skye is quiet for almost 10 minutes and then I begin to hear her cry. I turn around, "What is wrong baby?" I ask. "Well, I think WE should let them live with us and cook them food." I was taken aback. I mean, in the simplest of terms through the eyes and heart of a child she had just spoken the pure words of what we really are supposed to do. My mind is just thinking of ways to explain to her that we cannot do that, we do not know these people.. they could be dangerous.. they could not want our help.. they could... well, you get the picture.
Everyone is tucked in and goodnights are said. I watch my weekly crack addiction of LOST then pick up my book to read before dosing off.. i thought. In the middle of a paragraph my mind is overtaken with my daughters question. You see, I spent almost 3 months of my life homeless. In the middle of winter in Detroit. So, I UNDERSTOOD the need. I knew all too well the loneliness, hunger and exhaustion you feel when you are in that situation. All of a sudden my mind was overtaken with images of those days. I closed my book and went over to the music room.. maybe I could clear my head and go to bed if I just play for a while. But even the piano did not calm my mind.
So, here I sat insomniac with a racing mind and a heavy heart. I WANT to do what she said.. let people into my home, feed them... clothe them. When in the HECK did I get so jaded? When did seeing the world though the needs of others leave me and instead sit a woman who was so caught up in her bubble wrap that she could not even see correctly. Have you ever tried to look through a sheet of bubble wrap? Well, I have.. I held it up one time to the light and it distorts your vision. you really can't see anything but shapes.. sort of. Well, here I am living and viewing the world through my own personal bubble wrap. People are shapes. Their needs just shadows of shapes. Somewhere after 2:30 I drift off and fall asleep. But this morning my mind is still fixed on my daughters words. So, I am making a change. A DRASTIC change.. I am going to start LIVING my life LOOKING.. actively LOOKING for ways to serve and help others. I do not know how but I am going to not turn a blind eye to people who are in need.. I am no longer going to just see shapes.. I want to see PEOPLES.. I want to walk in their shoes.. I want to BE Jesus to them. I want to maybe in some small way be an answer to a prayer an answer to a need.

So, I DARE you to do the same.. LIVE your life in someone else's shoes today... feel what they feel and ACT accordingly to their need. i DARE you.


not your "pep talk" kinda blog today...

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

This is going to be a DOOSIE today folks so read only if you can handle the writings of a person who has been hurt and is now venting through a keyboard to feel a tad better.
Friendship. What exactly IS that? I mean I USED to think it was when people were there for another person and enjoy their company and want to be there for them when times get rough. Well, it seems I was (cue annoying LOUD last second 3 point shot buzzer noise) nope.. WRONG!!
I have felt the complete sting of finding out that a person I thought was a "real" friend of mine was not and I am dealing with the emotions in different ways.
I have always been an upbeat person.. an optimist if you will. A hippie chick love peace and all that stuff. It is tough for me to be cynical for longer than like a day or two.. maybe. But this situation has me feeling like this for almost 3 weeks now and I HATE this feeling. Like really really HATE it. This is not "me". I don't get "hurt" per say by people and how they treat me.. right? I mean what does it matter anyway? See.. that right there.. the whole "what does it matter anyway" crap.. THAT is not "me". The TRUTH is it matters a lot to me. This person mattered... OK.. matters a lot to me. And to lose this friendship as tough as I want to be.. is really hurting bad and I do not want to become a cynical, bitter do not trust anyone type of person. I could really use a good cry I guess.. problem? I really do not cry all that much, and when I do it is NOT pretty.. like snot, blubbering, and sometimes even the HUGE consumption of ice-cream and/or chocolate (in ANY form).
So, the point of this whole blog today... well... you get to peek into my soul and see I am human I guess. I am attempting to find a way to deal with losing this friendship and am also trying to scrape off this disgusting facade of cynicism and dig out hope that has fueled my soul for my entire life. Who knows? Maybe this will make me stronger.... OK, OK.. now I am just sounding like one of those 1987 "after school specials" where Tina smoked a joint and drives drunk but she is only 7... NOT wanting to go there.

Anyway, no worries.. I now feel a little bit better.. thanks for those of you..(if there is anyone left reading this dribble) who read my venting... sorry, not such an "uplifting" go conquer the world speech Heather today... but it is all good...


the people who say "words can't hurt you" have apparently never been smacked in the face with a Bible....

Saturday, March 27, 2010

So let's just start this off by me saying that in NO WAY am I making this post a political statement or in anyway condoning ANY political party and or politician.. those who know me know how I feel about politics and polititians.. and I want to be semi nice so I will keep those to myself .. ;)
So, without further adue let't stir this pot .. shall we?

It has come to my attention that when people who are Christians vote they for the most part vote along the Republican party line. That is not either good or bad to me.. I am just stating this to get my thoughts going for you. So, the majoraty of people who would refer to themselves as a "christian" vote Republican. And for the most part the news that we take in would be that of FOX news and the likes. So, the other night I am flipping, basicly because it was not LOST night so I was bored. I came across a news program and the mediator was arguing with a Democrat congressman and they were talking about the war. Which is funny.. don't they know that there is a whole "health care" debate going on.. anyway.... so, they are "discussing" the war and the topic comes up reguarding the opinion of the mediator that the liberals "demoralize" our troops and they make them feel like we are not behind them. It is quite inflamitory actually, because as an American I COMPLETELY support my troops and would take offense if anyone were to talk smack about them. This is a 10 minute "debate" and I can just see the Christian community nodding their heads at this and getting riled up at the thought of ANYONE demoralizing our troops. Heck! Even I was getting mad.. and it was just a silly cable show that is not even "news" as much as it is entertainment. I was MAD. I was SICK to my stomach over the thought of words hurting someone who was serving our country. Then this morning it occured to me, WE Christians get SO ticked about that ... but don't we do that to OUR "troops". I mean we gossip about people. We spread it like wildfire in order to be "praying" for people. We seem to enjoy the behind the back accountabilaty and the preach at people method when it comes to fellow belivers no? I mean I have. It is easier to be that way than to actually go to someone and talk with them in LOVE.
I guess my "point" (if I even have one here..) is that WHY in the HECK do we get SO riled up about things that we don't even apply to our spiritual life? It is no wonder we have church splits and people "competing" to sing songs at services and marrigeas failing all around us. We TALK a good TALK but we STAB a good back too. I say, let's start a REVOLUTION of REAL LOVE for our fellow belivers.. HECK (i am saying heck a lot no?) our fellow MANKIND.
It must make God frustrated that we care more about our politics than we do our relationship with Him and OTHERS having a relationship with Him.

I am in NO way saying we should not speak up for what is right, or what we believe in when it comes to our country.. just saying what gets more of your passion? Your attention? Your "Acitvisom?"

LOVE God LOVE people SERVE others.


all you need is LOVE.... right?

Friday, March 26, 2010

What is it about the simple truths in life that make people think you nieve if you believe them or live by them? Is it the fact that we in our humaness can not fathom the simplicity of grace, love or forgiveness so we add to it with our own "actions" that we act like need to be done in order to "earn" it? I find myself in this cycle a lot. I find myself at a place in need of forgivness and the grace of God and I ask and receive it but still find guilt that makes me feel like I need to pray more, read my bible more, serve at a soup kitchen ANYTHING to absolve this sin I am wanting to be forgiven for. It is silly really. I mean, God has forgiven me and washed it clean and yet I am running around in my own human flesh thinking I can DO something to atone MYSELF. It is ridiculous and sad. There was a time in my life when I thought that Christianity was all about that. All about DOING .. THINGS, stuff to MAKE me a Christian. To make me "worthy" of grace. Almost 8 years ago, holding my son's lifeless body in my arms I had an epiphony .. an "aha" moment. A moment where I "met" God and talked with him in a way that shook me to my core and made me NEVER want to be what I was before that moment. A HUMAN being attempting to EARN salvation by DOING. It was as if my eyes were opened for the first time. I received grace and clung to it. I longed for a REAL relationship with God, not a religion that I could "control" in order to make my own way to "feeling" like a "good christian."
Every time I would open my Bible the words would hit me different than they had before. I remember reading the following and understanding it clearer than ever.
In Matthew Chapter 22:34-39
34Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. 35One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: 36“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
37Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’b 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’c 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.

I mean Jesus himself just gave us the "cliffnotes" of our entire Christian walk. How amazing is that.. we can read it and TRUST it to be the TRUTH. I understood that it all comes down to LOVE. LOVE for God entirely and LOVE for others that we can give away ... It blew my mind. That this Savior who LOVES me and FORGIVES me (AND forgets my sin) wants me to then GIVE LOVE away to others. To show HIM to others with LOVE. How do we expect to have Christ be shown in us if we can't even follow simple direction FROM his lips?

Anyway, kind of a ramble Blog today but I was up all night thinking about this.. and just really in a deep conversation with God. He has put up with so much from me and has given me such an amzing oportunity to SHOW Love and BE Love to people and I intend on being and doing just that.

Hope you all have an AMAZING day and weekend!


i was unaware there was a "dress code"

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

There is such pressure placed upon us women to fit into a certain mold. Can't
even turn on the television without some sort of bombardment of an "image"
that is pretty much unattainable seeing that photo shop is not able to "go live" yet..
(one can dream) We all sit around at our "ladies teas" and our "bible studies" our "get togethers"
and talk about it. Heck, we even have entire "Christian Women's Conferences" telling us
that we do not need to fit into this mold. There are magazines with inspiring
articles and books that promise to give us the secret to being "joyful" or "content"
or even to "be a better you".
Well, I am here to say that I have chosen NOT to buy into that garbage. GASP!!!!!! I know
some of you are shocked.. but hear me out.
Isn't it pretty much the same thing just in a "christian" package? I mean, why
do we act like going to a conference or buying a book is going to make us happy?
I am not against those things.. they can be ENCOURAGING.. but are they really meant
to be what we seek out to sustain us? To me if we have that mindset as women we
buy into the same lie that we "shun" in the "world". If we do not get our worth FROM
God and God alone than we are setting ourselves up to fail.. and fail miserably. Which
may I just say.. I FAIL miserably all the time.. THAT is the beauty of it. I on my own WILL fail
and should expect to fail trying on my own. But here is the GREAT news... the ONLY
true statement you can BANK your "joy" on. God is right there when you fail miserably
and he is there to pick you up not to push you back down.. or to tell you
how miserably you failed and that you suck. Quite the opposite actually. He has always been
there when I fail encouraging me to keep going. To not look back and to press on.

I know that there are times in all of our lives when we just want to give up
we want to just say FORGET this CRAP I am DONE! We either hold our hands up
in surrender or jump into the downward spiral that pulls us even further
into the lies we believe. I for one am sick of trying to get "advice" from human beings
and am wanting to rely on God to give me my worth. I am clinging to him like a
life preserver. I know that I would rather be doing that than treading water and waiting
for the inevitable sink that will swallow me and drown me.... not worth it.

monkey see..monkey do.. too bad I am a Jackass (calm down I am referring to the stubborn animal)

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I am about to lose it.. the woman holding my children's hand is my mother-in-law and she has now for the um-teenth bazillionth time grabbed them and rushed ahead of me. Grrrrrrr... I am so upset. It is not bad enough that she made me feel like I was a jerk for sitting in the back seat with my children and brings a bad of toys and crayons EVEN THOUGH I ALWAYS bring more than enough to amuse my children. I am a good mom, NO.. make that a GREAT mom. And NOW she is taking over like I am not even here. I am fuming! I start to pretty much "race" her to get to the children when each attraction is over and be the one to "grab" the children and run like heck laughing in sweet sweet victory... Buwahahahaha!

Then... hours later on the ride home....

The kids are in the back seat WITH grandma who has successfully weaseled her way into the position of "grand Pu bah" of the back seat. Grrrr... I am fuming again. I turn "kids place live" on the radio and put it all in the back. The kids begin to go a little out of control. They are bossing Grandma around who in my opinion is too nice and naive to understand that her little perfect angels have successfully located her weakness and are exploiting it to the fullest... yes, my little pretties.. (ok... maybe that was taking it too far) They then begin to act extremely selfish with each other and everything ends up escalating to a fevered pitch and then I step in.. I calm myself down and say "Children, STOP being so selfish and rude to one another". As the last word exits my mouth I choke. ugh! I was telling them to act in one way but behaving myself all day in another. Here I was all day thinking about myself and how I was mad at every little thing and being a complete jackass by demanding my own way. To the point of being angry at my mother-in for the fact that she wanted to spend time with her grandchildren. Wow.
It is like I have punched myself in the stomach. I apologized to my mother-in-law and now have the astute pleasure of having "THE conversation" with the kids after I post this. Wish me luck... and pray that I can try and LIVE out what I tell my kids to do.

Yo.. Ho.. Ho... and a bottle of HO-HUM....

Monday, March 22, 2010

If pirates of the Caribbean Jonny Depp (sigh....give me a moment.. ok...) a.k.a. Captain Jack Sparrow has a compass that seems to not work properly. He rambles on and on, opens and shuts it at random appearing to have it show "the way" to somewhere or something very important. THIS ... is how my life goes sometimes. I am going by what I know I am supposed to be doing and what I KNOW I have been "made" to do yet it always seems like there are people who like to add in their two sense about what I am supposed to do with my LIMITED time. It is overwhelming to say the least the amount of stuff that I have on my plate. Now, before you go offering "advice" to me about taking things "off my plate" .. save it. The problem is not the amount of things on my plate it is the fact that people still expect me to GIVE more. I am not superwoman nor do I have the drive, time or even the slightest bit of desire to be her. I am ME. I am comfortable with ME and who I am. I think that if women and mothers could just BE comfortable and content with who they are then we would not feel the need to pick at other women to make ourselves feel better. It is not someone else's place or dare I say that it is NOT their "calling" in life to be every other women's (AHEM.. clears throat to emphasise the sarcasm) "accountability partner".
OK, this venting session has been brought to you by an honest woman who is sick and tired of seeing women compete with and tear down other women in a futile and quite ridiculous attempt to make themselves feel better.....
signing off now to go and BE me.


crock pots and crack pots...

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Have you ever de-boned a chicken at 7am on a Saturday? Well, I highly do NOT recommend it... to anyone.. especially before drinking coffee and possibly taking some sort of sedative. I mean WHO in their right mind does this right? Well... I did, today, 7am this morning. on a SATURDAY. Am I nuts? I had some sort of strange drive to be little miss Martha Stewart goody 2-shoes Super Proverbs 31 woman today...AKA de-bone a chicken and stick it in a crock pot. I was not in the mood nor had enough coffee to ingest to make queries on a field or tell my house maids to purchase it.. so the next best thing was make dinner.. at 7am on a Saturday. My martyrdom began with the removing of the plastic film surrounding the poor deceased (yet delicious) animal (God rest it's soul) and placing it inside the crock pot. Then the dirty work begins. To anyone who has ever had to do what I am about to describe I offer my sincere apologies and have now been made aware of the effects of "post traumatic stress dis-order" . ahem.. ok.. so THEN you have to reach into the chickens... hmm.. ahem... rear end.. and pull out a bag of it's neck and guts. WOW this is sooo making me hungry. How about you... I digress... After thoroughly shaming the deceased I then dispose of the bag of evidence and proceed to cover the body with carrots and celery (YEAH, like this gives any more dignity to the situation.. which then makes me consider some Mrs. Dash) Sprinkle lightly with seasoning, add some water and potatoes then cover the "yummy dish" and switch the crock pot on. WHEW! I just single handedly gave myself bragging rights to anyone and everyone who asks me "what are you doing for dinner? " To which I can now reply.." Oh ME? Well, I already made dinner .. at 7am THIS morning.. this SATURDAY morning."
Yeah, this is my Blog today... it is not glamorous but it is pretty much my morning.. anyone want to go out for pizza tomorrow? ;)

if you really want to know "me" talk to me OFF stage

Friday, March 19, 2010

There is a moment when I am on a stage singing that the world seems to just go away. I find myself standing in this glow of .. well I guess you could say the glow of God himself. I stand in it and just soak it up. There are few times that I get to be un-disturbed and able to belt out a tune with gusto and just let my heart be emptied. But when I am singing on a stage it is for certain a time with my creator that is un-rivaled.
The "down" side to all of this would be the perception that people get of me while I am on a "stage". It is the rush of thoughts at me from others when I am attempting to gather my belongings and rush home to my children after leading a worship service. Some of the questions are as follows.. "How is Nashville?" "How is the album coming along"" "When will you be on the radio?" Then the comments begin... "It must be so amazing to do what you are doing?" "How did you start doing music?" "Can you help me get into the "music biz"?"
Now, I am not saying that the questions are coming from a place that is bad, or that people are being mean, but it makes me sad. Why, you may ask? Because although a part of my life is doing the "music thing" it is not the BIGGEST part of my life. The BIGGEST part of my life would be the fact that God allowed me to be a pretty awesome part of bringing three lives into this world and has allowed me the opportunity to be a mom. All my life I have rocked baby dolls and pretended to be the little miss mommy. Don't get me wrong, I was also pretending to be a rockstar... just with children on each hip. ;)
So, for the most part this blog is NOT going to be about my life as a "music chick" and it will give you a real, honest look into my life as a not so "DIVA" mom. If you really want to know about me and get to know me.. then stick around and read my blog. I warn you.. I am honest and transparent to a fault.. and will hold not a lot back. Tears, laughter and even frustration will be poured out and typed with gusto as I gulp down my morning coffee.

Hope to have you along with me on this blogging journey...

Off to actually get out of my PJ's for the day.... (sips coffee....mmmmm)