I was awake most of last night. I don't know if any of you have ever had a panic attack but I am pretty sure I was in and out of the brink of one the entire night. I could not stop my mind from racing. I needed to get this done, I needed to call that person, I needed to make sure I responded to that invitation, and on and on and on. I then went into fears. What if I am not doing a good job as a mom? I should not have snapped at the kids that way just because they did not pick up their toys. I need to write the perfect song. I should be a better organized person. I am sinking in a hole of procrastination and it has be breathless. I literally could feel my chest tightening and my heart thumpng out of control and I don't even understand why or what is triggering this panic, but it is so real it is scary.
I am just now this morning, after my quiet time processing it all. I obviously went right to verses in the Bible that speak of peace and of course I go right to Isaiah 26:3. It is a verse I have taped to my laundry room cabinet.. yes, the most appropriate place I think. It reads:
" People with their minds set on you,
you keep completely whole,
Steady on their feet,
because they keep at it and don’t quit."
Isaiah 26:3 (The Message)
I read this about 15 times and I have to say it kind of made me feel a tad better but then I was still feeling a nagging in my heart. The part about "steady on their feet, because they keep at it and don't quit." ouch! This hurt... because it convicted me. I have been keeping my mind set on God and trying to focus on Him but I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off so much that I am STARTING a bunch of stuff but not COMPLETING it.
I continued reading in Isaiah 26 and stopped again on verse 12...
"God, order a peaceful and whole life for us
because everything we've done, you've done for us."
I am in tears when I read this. Has that ever happened to you? You read the most simple of verses and it cuts to the quick and speaks directly to your soul. Well this verse did that. "because everything we've done, You've done FOR us".
What truth. What humbling Truth.
I am worrying about all that I.. ME... I have to do or what I.. ME ... I have not done. I am attempting in my own strength to do things, even all the while thinking.. earnestly thinking that I am keeping my mind set on GOD. Somehow the stresses and worries of life were substituted for the peace that comes with allowing GOD to have control. I can tangibly feel the stress leaving my body even as I type this post this morning. ALL that is done "by" me is done BY GOD. HE alone directs and orchestrates my steps and I have no need to stress or to fear. I can rely on Him to be my strength.
I need to address one thing in all of this. Procrastination. I am convinced that it's definition for me is ..
Procrastination: (verb) Pro-crass-ti-nay-shon
An action or lack there of because of fear of failure.
It is my own fears of failure that keep me from finishing things that I start. But the only reason I have these fears is because I am not trusting the TRUTH that GOD is ordering my steps and that I need to rely on HIM and trust HIM in all I do.
This is my prayer today and my focus. I want to be in perfect peace because my mind is set on Him and then i want to TRUST Him to keep me and direct me as I walk and live to honor and worship HIM.
Happy Monday to all of you and I hope that you too can rest in the Peace of trusting Him.