Insecurity is a four letter word.....

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I was having coffee with a friend yesterday morning and one of the questions we were discussing was .. How do you define insecurity? I answered.. Lack of worth. I have been contemplating that answer ever since.
It has been a vice of mine to pursue the approval of others. I can think back as far as my mind will allow me and pin point people I was trying to make "like" me or even "love" me. The ever out of reach love was pretty much what fueled my existence. It made me the most unlikely of optimists. A little girl abandoned and abused yet still holding out hope for the day it would stop and these people would love me. No wonder I struggle with insecurity. My worth has been tied up in the approval of others.. even others who don't like me or harm me. This blog is becoming a therapy session.. no?
When this journey began for me.. the one where I decided to lay it all out there for God to hear.. not just read my mind..but hear. It opened up a wound that I had held close for a while. It made me painfully aware of the fact that even though I KNEW that God loved me I still was living small parts of my life to "make Him love me". It is idiotic really. I mean, my head and my heart are obviously not on the same page and need to get it together...right? Total honesty and transparency are not just Church buzz words or Christian-eese to me. They are the absolute foundation to this relationship I have with God. They are the tools that are attempting daily to dig out of me this need to go after others approval and love. I have fought it. I have even tried to say it was not worth it.. but each time it digs a part out.. after the pain subsides I find myself injected with a little more worth. The kind that only takes a drop to make you stand a little taller. The worth that only my daddy God can give me. One day I will be able to stand completely. One day I will be able to look at my children's faces and not see my empty child-like self staring back at me. I will be able to fully embrace this Love and Worth. It might not be in this life.. I might have to wait until I step into eternity with God..but I am absolutely certain that no matter what God loves me.


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