This is going to be a brutally honest Blog post today. As I sit typing this I am in conflict within myself. I am feeling a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat. It is probably good no one is around me because I am pretty sure I am behaving like a Bi-polar hormonal chick and it might get weepy up in here.
You see, I just got back from doing some "gigs" on the road and I am at this space where I love what I do and I am extremely blessed beyond belief and wanting to be the best. I struggle with watching record sales and charts and all that stuff that either gives you an ego or makes you feel like the biggest loser ever. Right now I am struggling with feeling like the biggest loser ever. I am struggling with insecurities about who I am in this "business". I am panicked about making sure I am constantly practicing and moving forward. It is exhausting. I find myself over the last few days really struggling with these things. I am not putting all this out there for people to then comment about how great I am and all of that.. I am just wanting to be transparent. I feel the need to be. You see, I am only one of many who are doing this for a living. We can puff out our "stage chests" all we want..but we all struggle with these same issues. From the very top to the very bottom. We all have times we feel invisible, not relevant, loserish and ignored. It is not a pleasant feeling. In fact it is a very very UNpleasent feeling that I try to stuff down a lot of the time. But today.. today I am reading in 1 Corinthians chapter 9. I am reading about a race and a prize. I am reading about being free from the chains of peoples opinions and expectations. I am free because of the experience I have had with Jesus. I am free in order to then show others the change He has made in my life and share it. Free. This word, even as I type it is lifting my spirits. I mean, that is a powerful little word. 4 letters...an escape..a way out.. a way to be..free.
This is such a mind altering thing for me today and I wanted to share it. I know I am not the only one who goes through ups and downs emotionally. I know that singers are not the only people who feel these emotions. I want to let you know we are free.
I look further down at verses 24-27 and I am even more encouraged. In fact I am downright challenged by it.
"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.
So much I could dissect here and analyze. So much meat to chew on and ponder. I mean.. if that does not take my eyes off of my emotions and point it to truth I do not know what will. I want to have the discipline to not be subject to my emotions dictating who I am. I am not any of those negative things. I am free in Christ and called to run a race, to TRAIN for that race and then run like heck towards the prize. The prize that is eternity. I am to run in a way that shows others they can run too.
Thank you God for your word. Thank you that I can come to you no matter what I am "feeling" and lay it down and trust you to speak to me. Today I thank you for allowing me to know your freedom. Allowing me to be encouraged by your word. I love you Jesus. Thank you for coming to my rescue. Thank you for never leaving me or forsaking me. Thank you for calling me and allowing me to say YES to you.