running...running.. running...

This is going to be a brutally honest Blog post today. As I sit typing this I am in conflict within myself. I am feeling a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat. It is probably good no one is around me because I am pretty sure I am behaving like a Bi-polar hormonal chick and it might get weepy up in here.
You see, I just got back from doing some "gigs" on the road and I am at this space where I love what I do and I am extremely blessed beyond belief and wanting to be the best. I struggle with watching record sales and charts and all that stuff that either gives you an ego or makes you feel like the biggest loser ever. Right now I am struggling with feeling like the biggest loser ever. I am struggling with insecurities about who I am in this "business". I am panicked about making sure I am constantly practicing and moving forward. It is exhausting. I find myself over the last few days really struggling with these things. I am not putting all this out there for people to then comment about how great I am and all of that.. I am just wanting to be transparent. I feel the need to be. You see, I am only one of many who are doing this for a living. We can puff out our "stage chests" all we want..but we all struggle with these same issues. From the very top to the very bottom. We all have times we feel invisible, not relevant, loserish and ignored. It is not a pleasant feeling. In fact it is a very very UNpleasent feeling that I try to stuff down a lot of the time. But today.. today I am reading in 1 Corinthians chapter 9. I am reading about a race and a prize. I am reading about being free from the chains of peoples opinions and expectations. I am free because of the experience I have had with Jesus. I am free in order to then show others the change He has made in my life and share it. Free. This word, even as I type it is lifting my spirits. I mean, that is a powerful little word. 4 letters...an escape..a way out.. a way to be..free.
This is such a mind altering thing for me today and I wanted to share it. I know I am not the only one who goes through ups and downs emotionally. I know that singers are not the only people who feel these emotions. I want to let you know we are free.
I look further down at verses 24-27 and I am even more encouraged. In fact I am downright challenged by it.
"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.


wow.

So much I could dissect here and analyze. So much meat to chew on and ponder. I mean.. if that does not take my eyes off of my emotions and point it to truth I do not know what will. I want to have the discipline to not be subject to my emotions dictating who I am. I am not any of those negative things. I am free in Christ and called to run a race, to TRAIN for that race and then run like heck towards the prize. The prize that is eternity. I am to run in a way that shows others they can run too.

wow.

Thank you God for your word. Thank you that I can come to you no matter what I am "feeling" and lay it down and trust you to speak to me. Today I thank you for allowing me to know your freedom. Allowing me to be encouraged by your word. I love you Jesus. Thank you for coming to my rescue. Thank you for never leaving me or forsaking me. Thank you for calling me and allowing me to say YES to you.

heather

He who is and always will be....

I was watching "Armageddon week" on the History channel 2 last night (wow does SHE know how to party on new years eve). First off, let me just clarify that it was something I stumbled on and seeing that It was almost midnight I thought..eh, why not. So, there I was emerged in black holes, collapsing stars and our ozone being eaten away to leave us all to die when one of the scientists says something that I guess you could say..made me think. He said; about black holes, "you can try to do something about it.. you could shoot a thousand nuclear bombs into it..but it will not change the fact that the black hole is going to come and swallow the earth. It is just going to happen. there is no changing it." wow. sobering. I sat and contemplated the horror of knowing that something was going to destroy the earth and that we as humans would foolishly be trying in vain to alter the reality all the while it is inching towards us. And as with almost everything I read, see or hear I begin to think about it in other ways. For me I began to think about God. How he has always been God. He Is God. How He is always going to be God. That before time began He held it all in His hands and planned it all out. We try so very hard to foolishly put it together and plan our lives and our aspirations. Those of us who Know Him and have a relationship we still try to put God into these little pockets of ourselves and attempt to pass it off as "the will of God in our life". We push and struggle for admiration and approval from everyone all in the name of "Gods calling"(s) on our lives. All the while God is there continuing to BE God. Continuing to weave it all together. We take a scripture like Romans 8:28 and say that no matter.. He will make it all work out for me. Which IS true, but how humongous of a thought to think of if we were in full submission to what GOD wanted and how much MORE powerful that scripture would be and act out in our lives. It is in the perfect submission to God's will that He is able to perfectly work things together. Free will is not an excuse for the believer to do whatever we want. It is not an excuse to be loose with our lives for the sake of "fitting in" or not "reaching out" it is not an excuse. Yet even in our Christian-ese world we seem to act like it is. We twist theologies and squeeze "truth" out of our own thoughts and opinions all the while.. God is still God. He is weaving it all together. In our foolishness we scurry around like teeny tiny ants puffing our chests out and saying "look how many important things GOD has me doing!" "Look at MY ministry that GOD has me doing!" "Listen to how GOD has told me to do these GREAT things!" All the while God is still God. he is weaving it together.
These thoughts are very sobering to me. Go figure a sober thought from me on New years day. But honestly my desire truly is to have God's hand guide my life, and quite honestly more often than not I am the one with my big fat hand on the wheel. Steering and telling everyone it is God. Is it though? It is cheesastic to the core in my opinion to make a bunch of "New Years Resolutions" but I have to say, in this new year I truly want to grow more in my complete trust and submission to God's will in my life. I hope and pray that for all of us. So that He who was and is and is to come will be able to bring to fruition all He has planned.

Happiest of New Years to all of you!
Much Much Love,
Heather