Revolutionary LOVE...

I am writing tonight on my "book" and I stopped to just jot down this Blog Post..

So tired of playing “church”. This tired, worn out; un-fulfilled soul
is DONE playing church! I am on a MISSION to start a REVOLUTION! I
want to make a cry, make a PLEA to all those who call themselves
“Christ followers” to RISE UP and say WE ARE DONE PLAYING CHURCH! We
are no longer content to just GO to church and PLAY a part! We are no
longer content attempting to EARN our salvation! We are no longer
content on having a religion with God we want a RELATIONSHIP with our
GOD! We want to have that relationship be so alive, living, breathing
that it is evident to all around us that we have REAL LOVE to GIVE
AWAY to the HURT, the LOST, the POOR, the NEEDY. We are DONE playing
church and we are ready to take up our mission in this life which is
to BE the church! To BE Jesus to those all around us.
I am no longer willing to just sit back and hoard my salvation, my
lifejacket and watch others struggle for breath in this ocean of life.
I am willing to be transparent and willing to be used by GOD to show
LOVE to others.
Let’s start a REVOLUTION of LOVE that is REAL! Are you with me?

smoke and mirrors..and then there is reality.

The alarm screams at me from across the room. It is sitting right where I put it last night in my brilliant attempt to make sure I actually GOT out of bed to turn it off, which would then force me to have to wake up. It kind of works, in that it DOES make me get out of bed to turn it off but I am far from being awake. The shuffle to the Kurig starts and the rhythm I make with my bare feet across the wood floor is like a whisper telling me.. go back to bed..

I continue my trek across the "Sahara" and reach the promise land and my coffee cup is filled in 2 minutes with a hot cup of black coffee. I sip, and only then do my eyes open with the slight hope of actual coherent thought to follow. Second sip, I am ready to go. I crack the morning whip and the kids are up, breakfast on the table, lunches packed and then I am off to shower and dress quickly before we leave for school. I stop for a moment in front of the mirror before I get to the shower and wince. Who in the HECK is that ugly, bed head, no make-up chick? Ugh! It is me in all my REAL glory and flaws staring at me, laughing at me and making me want to consider having no mirrors anywhere near where I have to shower or even have to look at myself.

It is REALITY that can shock us. It is REALITY that makes us want to become something else.. or is it? Maybe it is not reality that causes us to long for or thing we have to be more.. maybe it is the fact that we have bought into that "smoke and mirrors" ARE reality. They are NOT. I am not just talking about our outward appearances. That is only scratching the surface, quite literally. How about our lives as mothers? We feel the need to update our social networking sites with cheery, witty, and self gloating and sometimes downright lying about our lives and all it's "grandeur". It makes us feel "better" about ourselves.. but WHY? What is wrong with reality... I for one am sick of the whole lot of it. It is CRAP that we buy into. There is no reason to feel we have to make ourselves appear to be perfect.. I am NOT perfect. I have NO desire to be perfect or to attempt to look perfect. I want to learn to embrace the cracks and flaws and realize that beauty is not beauty when it is a carbon copy of a zillion others "works of art". I am an original.. so are you.

OK.. babble blog done for the evening.. I have to go eat a donut and sip some coffee at 8pm on a Thursday.. I MAY even lose my temper or say something stupid before the night is through.

How about you?

a "toast"....

It is official. I have lost my grip on control in my life. I stood in my kitchen this morning making breakfast for my two small children and my daughter asks for toast. I reach for the bread and my son chimes in that he too would like a slice of toast; with jelly, no butter, and not too burnt. The slices go in the toaster and I start packing lunches for school. The toaster starts to buzz and I pull out the toast and prepare it just as requested. My daughter starts in with the complaining. Her toast is too burnt and the butter is all melted. She is rather whiny and goes on and on until her brother starts to chime in. I bend down and proceed to tell my daughter that she is an example for her little brother and I count on her to make good decisions to show him the right choices. My points were brilliantly made even while holding a butter knife with peanut butter and a smear of jelly on the handle. In my head I was praising myself on my cool demeanor and my positive way of conveying my brilliant motherly counsel. After looking me in the eyes and listening patiently I finished and my daughter says. "Mommy that took an awful long time to tell me, my toast is even more soggy now and I think that the right choice would be to make another piece for me."

I made more toast.

Fix you...

So I am listening to Coldplay today.. shocker right? And "Fix you" comes on. This song has been a favorite of mine for many years and it seems to move me every time. Very rarely can one song do this over and over but indeed this one does. I think the whole thought of anyone saying that they would want to try and fix me is what chokes me up. The lyrics:


When you try your best but you don't succeed
when you get what you want but not what you need
when you feel so tired but you can't sleep
stuck in reverse
and the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you can't replace
when you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?
Lights will guide home
and ignite your bones
and I will try
to fix you
Well high up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
but if you never try you'll never know
just what you're worth
lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and I will try to fix you


(now at this point of the song the music builds and I just imagine myself running as fast and as hard as I can pushing past the pain past the burn past the thing or person I am actually running from.. from the fear . ... from the loneliness.. from the past... from who I was before... before HE came and fixed me...)


tears stream
down your face
when you lose something you could not replace
tears stream
down your face
and I.... I.....
tears stream
down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
tears stream
down your face...
and I... I....

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and I will try ... to

fix you.




See.. It doesn't have to be a Chris Tomlin song to touch your heart.. to have God actually speak to you. The cool thing is HE created music and if he wants to be seen or heard in it .. he will be... he is that amazing.
I feel so unworthy of the sacrifice He made for me.. for us.. But in all my tattered shame I am every day reminded that He died for me and that if I allow him too.. he can fix me.

Happy Easter everyone...

May you never forget your worth and the price that was paid for you... that even while you were in your dirtiest, lowest, scummiest worthless point.. he STILL died for you... and LOVES you.

Dear Life,..... sincerely, Heather

Dear Life,

How is it that one minute I am so in love with you and the next I hate you and then even another minute I am scared to death of you... how is that? Is it the fact that I can't control you; the fact that you seem to at will change and hurl things and people at me and I instinctively want to embrace or duck? The motion is constant and is making me feel nauseated. I feel I might just throw up ... too much swaying and mind manipulation. I feel like a silly child with a schoolgirl crush on you. I believe what you tell me, giggle when you are near and cry into my pillow when you don't respond to my calls.
If you could, try to be a little gentler with me for the next few days... I am just not able to digest the mood swings. If you could I would appreciate it. I wish you would call me back though, I long to talk to you again and get what you are saying. It makes me so lonely when you leave me guessing on my own. Or, maybe that is what you want me to do... make a decision on my own. Without you telling me the answer.. you want me to be the one to chose to jump in with both feet.
Anyway, I hope you are well.. and that well "you" are treating yourself well.. haha .. OK stupid joke.. don't hate me?

Sincerely and always around,
Heather