I was just tucking my children into bed and was praying with them when my oldest; Skye, who is 7 prayed this:
Dear God,
Thank you for the beautiful people of Japan. I am so sad about the tsunami and all of the people who were swept away. I am sad that they were not saved. I am sad for the people who got hurt and have scars. But God, thank you for their scars because that means they were not swept away and they can be saved.
amen.
I was so moved by these simple, honest, true words of a child that I HAD to share.
God, THANK YOU for our scars.
<3
Heather
copy cat ....
Monday, February 7, 2011
When I was first starting out on this "mommyhood" journey I was all about hanging out with as many new mommies I could. I even started a Mom's Bible Study and had 4 friends who had just had babies too join. It was fun getting together talking about changing diapers, sleep deprivation and so on. Then a couple months in talk turned to weight gain, weight loss, whose child was hitting what milestone etc. It kind of became this let's see whose baby can drool better and be the first to cut teeth, sit up and walk...(which is funny because as all of us now "long time mommies" know.. when they learn to walk they can run away from you ... not good LOL) I began catching myself being nervous about bringing Skye to the group.. she was almost six months old and had not sit up on her own yet. What was WRONG with my child. Did I need to enroll her in some sort of support group to teach her proper posture and encourage her to be just like the other babies.. no NOT just like them.. BETTER.. It really was pathetic. Here is my poor almost 6 month old daughter just doing her "baby thing" and I was her paranoid mother.. already. ugh. So then the day Skye turned 6 months old.. literally the day..June 25.. I take a pregnancy test and BINGO it is positive. I was ecstatic! I remember thinking.. well I can not believe that I am going to have another baby... this is AWESOME! It got me thinking, well that was pretty much all there was to do once the puking for three months commenced.. I started thinking about how ridiculous I had been and that I just needed to chill out and let the milestones come as they should... naturally.
I think in my relationship with God I have been guilty of attempting to reach "milestones" at the same "pace" as other Christians. I think I have compared myself to others and found myself lacking miserably and have even been guilty of faking it to appear that I was just as "good" as them. All in the attempt to be what I was "supposed" to be.. or where I was "supposed" to be at in my walk. It has been one insight I gleaned through losing Caedmen, that life is too short to worry about what others do or think. It is what God thinks and what God calls you to do that is important.. more than that.. it IS what is supposed to be. There is a line between being influenced,encouraged and in being pressured or compete with. I think in women we do this more. We see another woman who has one or more kids than us, she seems dressed nicely all the time, her husband has a great job, her kids are all adorable and even her dog is well behaved. We put pressure on ourselves to BE that. To emulate THAT. But in the word we are told to imitate God... not people..
EPHESIANS 5: 1-2 (The Message)
“Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.”
I think the heart of this message is that our father LOVES us. Our Daddy... LOVED us extravagantly... the way we are.. the way he made us. He gave each of us a uniqueness and has called us for a purpose. If all we do is try to be like other people than we are robbing ourselves of the LOVE of the Father. We are replacing that LOVE with the longing for "acceptance" by a person. That will always let us down and make us feel not worth anything. But if we imitate GOD and LOVE like Him we are walking in what he has called us to do and we can let go of all the hangups and comparisons and be FREE in Christ.
I think in my relationship with God I have been guilty of attempting to reach "milestones" at the same "pace" as other Christians. I think I have compared myself to others and found myself lacking miserably and have even been guilty of faking it to appear that I was just as "good" as them. All in the attempt to be what I was "supposed" to be.. or where I was "supposed" to be at in my walk. It has been one insight I gleaned through losing Caedmen, that life is too short to worry about what others do or think. It is what God thinks and what God calls you to do that is important.. more than that.. it IS what is supposed to be. There is a line between being influenced,encouraged and in being pressured or compete with. I think in women we do this more. We see another woman who has one or more kids than us, she seems dressed nicely all the time, her husband has a great job, her kids are all adorable and even her dog is well behaved. We put pressure on ourselves to BE that. To emulate THAT. But in the word we are told to imitate God... not people..
EPHESIANS 5: 1-2 (The Message)
“Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.”
I think the heart of this message is that our father LOVES us. Our Daddy... LOVED us extravagantly... the way we are.. the way he made us. He gave each of us a uniqueness and has called us for a purpose. If all we do is try to be like other people than we are robbing ourselves of the LOVE of the Father. We are replacing that LOVE with the longing for "acceptance" by a person. That will always let us down and make us feel not worth anything. But if we imitate GOD and LOVE like Him we are walking in what he has called us to do and we can let go of all the hangups and comparisons and be FREE in Christ.
panic attacks and other distractions from "real"ailty...
Friday, January 21, 2011
I have the most adorable 5 year old son. He is the most joyous, playful, snuggly, and all boy little boy in the world. (I just MIGHT be a tad bias here.. but deal.. please) He seems to know just how to melt my heart. You see, ever since the boy learned to talk he has always had a way of speaking that just made me feel the need to hug him and kiss him. I know you mommies out there know what I mean. It is the little voice articulating with the slight babyish tonality and articulation that is mommy drug. Needless to say for most of his (talking) life he has found a way to make me want to protect him from everything and be there for him. (Don't worry, he isn't going to be a Mommy's boy but it will be borderline on it..)
Yesterday I received a phone call from Gideons school and it went a little something like this..ahem...
Gideon has had a complete meltdown about his "seatwork"... now let me give you a little back story on this thing I am referring to .. you know, the "seatwork". "Seatwork" is work that the kindergartners have to do in their seats, in class, on time. Gideon, who has also always been my perfectionist child, has been working himself up over this "seatwork" for weeks now. It is odd, really, because he always finishes it. He always finishes it on time and pretty much always beautifully, yet he still has such anxiety about it day after day. So, the call yesterday did not come to me as a surprise. I felt for him, I really did. But I have made up my mind that if I coddle him the situation will only get worse. So, he went back to class and did his seatwork.
It breaks my heart. I mean, we tell him all the time he just has to do his best. We are not your "my child will be the best at everything" type of parents. We believe in fostering an atmosphere of creativity and expression with discipline, support and encouragement. It is not as if the child is getting pressure from us to be perfect. So, the one thing that DID surprise me about the phone call is that Gideon told his teacher that "mommy will not like me if I don't do good at my seatwork" and "mommy is going to scream at me if I do bad on my seatwork". Now, I have to admit, when I was told this I actually giggled on the phone. I know my son, he uses this trick on me, as many of you mommies know. But after I hung up I really started to thing about it. I thought, you know he really believes that he has to do the BEST and be the BEST to earn love. Why is that? I began to then think about how I used to live out my Christianity many years ago. I walked around head held high trying to do everything perfectly. Trying to make sure people SAW my good deeds; that people HEARD me sing for God. I made sure that people KNEW I was reading my Bible and doing a Bible study and going to church and being at potlucks and parties and on and on and on. I would read "Christian self help" books and Women's books on how to be a better pastors wife or how to be a better "woman of God" or how to "Love God more". It was this never ending cycle of attempting in some ways to "earn" God's love and "earn" my salvation. I got to tell you. I do NOT read "Christian self help books" anymore. I do not attend "Let's learn to love God more and be perfect women of God" conferences or studies either. I stopped running in place on a treadmill of trying to earn brownie points with God and started running, sometimes walking sometimes falling down on the path and just resting for a moment race towards God. I rest each day in knowing that I do not have to "earn" God's love. I do not have to "be the BEST" Christian wife,mom, woman in order to have a relationship with God. Just like Gideon with his seatwork, I would work myself up into thinking I was under the oppression of having to be something that I can never be.. perfect. I am perfected only through Christ. I am only strong when he is strong, and I can only BE who HE created me to be. And that is ok with my daddy so it should be ok with me.
Gideon is at school today, a little less stressed and hopefully not having a panic attack about now. I am so thankful that God is a father who loves us unconditionally. I shared a little of all this with Gideon last night before bed. I want him to know that not only do I love him and not expect perfection but even more than I ever could, GOD loves him and is always going to be there when he needs him, no matter what.
Yesterday I received a phone call from Gideons school and it went a little something like this..ahem...
Gideon has had a complete meltdown about his "seatwork"... now let me give you a little back story on this thing I am referring to .. you know, the "seatwork". "Seatwork" is work that the kindergartners have to do in their seats, in class, on time. Gideon, who has also always been my perfectionist child, has been working himself up over this "seatwork" for weeks now. It is odd, really, because he always finishes it. He always finishes it on time and pretty much always beautifully, yet he still has such anxiety about it day after day. So, the call yesterday did not come to me as a surprise. I felt for him, I really did. But I have made up my mind that if I coddle him the situation will only get worse. So, he went back to class and did his seatwork.
It breaks my heart. I mean, we tell him all the time he just has to do his best. We are not your "my child will be the best at everything" type of parents. We believe in fostering an atmosphere of creativity and expression with discipline, support and encouragement. It is not as if the child is getting pressure from us to be perfect. So, the one thing that DID surprise me about the phone call is that Gideon told his teacher that "mommy will not like me if I don't do good at my seatwork" and "mommy is going to scream at me if I do bad on my seatwork". Now, I have to admit, when I was told this I actually giggled on the phone. I know my son, he uses this trick on me, as many of you mommies know. But after I hung up I really started to thing about it. I thought, you know he really believes that he has to do the BEST and be the BEST to earn love. Why is that? I began to then think about how I used to live out my Christianity many years ago. I walked around head held high trying to do everything perfectly. Trying to make sure people SAW my good deeds; that people HEARD me sing for God. I made sure that people KNEW I was reading my Bible and doing a Bible study and going to church and being at potlucks and parties and on and on and on. I would read "Christian self help" books and Women's books on how to be a better pastors wife or how to be a better "woman of God" or how to "Love God more". It was this never ending cycle of attempting in some ways to "earn" God's love and "earn" my salvation. I got to tell you. I do NOT read "Christian self help books" anymore. I do not attend "Let's learn to love God more and be perfect women of God" conferences or studies either. I stopped running in place on a treadmill of trying to earn brownie points with God and started running, sometimes walking sometimes falling down on the path and just resting for a moment race towards God. I rest each day in knowing that I do not have to "earn" God's love. I do not have to "be the BEST" Christian wife,mom, woman in order to have a relationship with God. Just like Gideon with his seatwork, I would work myself up into thinking I was under the oppression of having to be something that I can never be.. perfect. I am perfected only through Christ. I am only strong when he is strong, and I can only BE who HE created me to be. And that is ok with my daddy so it should be ok with me.
Gideon is at school today, a little less stressed and hopefully not having a panic attack about now. I am so thankful that God is a father who loves us unconditionally. I shared a little of all this with Gideon last night before bed. I want him to know that not only do I love him and not expect perfection but even more than I ever could, GOD loves him and is always going to be there when he needs him, no matter what.
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