what is my worth....

Well, it was Mothers Day once again, and I found myself giving myself the “yearly employee review”. You know the one… the am I good enough speech. Well, I came to the conclusion that I am a work in progress. While still feeling like I am not making any at times. There seems to be this need in me to prove something to anyone who will take the time to notice. I find myself leaning toward the side of craving approval and not relying on the complete source of my worth, God. I start the day out with talking to Him, asking Him to be with me all throughout the day and to give me strength. I have a list of things that I need to get done before the kids are even out of bed and I feel energized and ready to go. As I pull into the parking lot of the kids school it starts. The, am I a good mom? Am I giving enough to volunteer in their classes? Do I show enough love? Did I brush Skye’s hair enough? Does Gideon feel like I don’t give him enough attention? The list in my head is a monster that just roars and roars. After the drop-off it is time to tackle the daily “chores” and errands. The silence at times can be deafening. I will find myself done with everything with a couple hours to spare before pick-up and I will sit at my piano or guitar and attempt to write a tune, or just take that time to sing out my frustrations or put to music what I can not express otherwise. It is in these moments that I find God. I find that the maker of the universe is sitting in the same room with me, listening to me and telling me.. (get this) that he LOVES me and made me unique and thinks I have great worth. At times it is overwhelming. I mean, I tend to want to live up to expectations, to find my failings as the defining mark of who I am. I wallow in my falling short and too often refuse to let the forgiveness that has been given by Him stick on my soul in my eyes. When I stop for a moment and just listen to God whisper to the very depth of my soul and tell me he LOVES me. That my worth is defined by the one who CREATED me and gave His life for me. How glad I am that this is reality not what I make it to be. How wonderful to rest in that thought and be able to take another step, breathe another breath and know I can do it without expecting applause from others. He sets me free from that, and gives me the real in place of the fake.

Revolutionary LOVE...

I am writing tonight on my "book" and I stopped to just jot down this Blog Post..

So tired of playing “church”. This tired, worn out; un-fulfilled soul
is DONE playing church! I am on a MISSION to start a REVOLUTION! I
want to make a cry, make a PLEA to all those who call themselves
“Christ followers” to RISE UP and say WE ARE DONE PLAYING CHURCH! We
are no longer content to just GO to church and PLAY a part! We are no
longer content attempting to EARN our salvation! We are no longer
content on having a religion with God we want a RELATIONSHIP with our
GOD! We want to have that relationship be so alive, living, breathing
that it is evident to all around us that we have REAL LOVE to GIVE
AWAY to the HURT, the LOST, the POOR, the NEEDY. We are DONE playing
church and we are ready to take up our mission in this life which is
to BE the church! To BE Jesus to those all around us.
I am no longer willing to just sit back and hoard my salvation, my
lifejacket and watch others struggle for breath in this ocean of life.
I am willing to be transparent and willing to be used by GOD to show
LOVE to others.
Let’s start a REVOLUTION of LOVE that is REAL! Are you with me?

smoke and mirrors..and then there is reality.

The alarm screams at me from across the room. It is sitting right where I put it last night in my brilliant attempt to make sure I actually GOT out of bed to turn it off, which would then force me to have to wake up. It kind of works, in that it DOES make me get out of bed to turn it off but I am far from being awake. The shuffle to the Kurig starts and the rhythm I make with my bare feet across the wood floor is like a whisper telling me.. go back to bed..

I continue my trek across the "Sahara" and reach the promise land and my coffee cup is filled in 2 minutes with a hot cup of black coffee. I sip, and only then do my eyes open with the slight hope of actual coherent thought to follow. Second sip, I am ready to go. I crack the morning whip and the kids are up, breakfast on the table, lunches packed and then I am off to shower and dress quickly before we leave for school. I stop for a moment in front of the mirror before I get to the shower and wince. Who in the HECK is that ugly, bed head, no make-up chick? Ugh! It is me in all my REAL glory and flaws staring at me, laughing at me and making me want to consider having no mirrors anywhere near where I have to shower or even have to look at myself.

It is REALITY that can shock us. It is REALITY that makes us want to become something else.. or is it? Maybe it is not reality that causes us to long for or thing we have to be more.. maybe it is the fact that we have bought into that "smoke and mirrors" ARE reality. They are NOT. I am not just talking about our outward appearances. That is only scratching the surface, quite literally. How about our lives as mothers? We feel the need to update our social networking sites with cheery, witty, and self gloating and sometimes downright lying about our lives and all it's "grandeur". It makes us feel "better" about ourselves.. but WHY? What is wrong with reality... I for one am sick of the whole lot of it. It is CRAP that we buy into. There is no reason to feel we have to make ourselves appear to be perfect.. I am NOT perfect. I have NO desire to be perfect or to attempt to look perfect. I want to learn to embrace the cracks and flaws and realize that beauty is not beauty when it is a carbon copy of a zillion others "works of art". I am an original.. so are you.

OK.. babble blog done for the evening.. I have to go eat a donut and sip some coffee at 8pm on a Thursday.. I MAY even lose my temper or say something stupid before the night is through.

How about you?