Dear Facebook...

Dear Facebook,

It's not you .. it's me.  Ok, that is a lie..it IS you.  You suck away all my time and you tend to stir up a little bit too much drama in my life.  Honestly I seem to not get as much done with you around.  I have lost who I was.  I lost the girl who loved to be outside, write long blog posts, play with my kids, write music, work on my book, cook dinner, dance in my living room with my husband.  Speaking of my husband, he will be very happy to know that he won't have to be competing with you for my "down time" anymore.  The people you have "introduced" me too I really don't know and the family you "connected" me with seem more distant with the coldness of like buttons and comment sections.

So, in the end we just wouldn't of worked out.  Quite honestly when I am around you I turn into an egocentric jerk.  I am sick of just talking about myself I want true intimacy.

Sincerely,

Heather

Not my will......

There is something I have to get off my chest.  It really is not just directed at one group of people, it is directed to all of us who consider ourselves to be "in" ministry.  This includes me.  With that disclaimer I digress...
"I just need God to direct my steps into the ministry He wants me to do."  "God, bless me in MY ministry so that You may be glorified."  "I am just waiting for God to open the doors so the dreams He has placed in my heart can be fulfilled."   Any of these sound familiar?  I have been guilty of using phrases very close to, if not dead on to these.  Dear church of America, WAKE UP!  We have people all around us that are suffering, alone, hurt, abused, abandoned, searching for God and we are worried that "our" ministry will not grow enough this quarter.  It is shameful.  Where in scripture does it tell us that God is obliged to make sure WE feel like OUR talents are used in the absolute way WE want them to be used.  Where in scripture does it tell us that if WE work hard enough, know the right people, sing the right songs, play enough shows, preach the right messages, plan the right services that people will be saved?  When did we get so off track of the simplicity of the Gospel?  When did we decide that it was more important for us to have big congregations than for the one "lost sheep" to be found?  There is something wrong with a mindset that wants to "fill seats" in order to "have the biggest" church in town, but most of those seat fillers are people who are just out "church shopping" and have been at almost every church in the tri-state area to see if it is "the right fit."  All the while we can walk just outside of our beautifully manicured church parking lots and everywhere our eyes look there are people who need Jesus.
I am not against using the above things,( our talents, programs etc) to reach out to people who need Jesus, but when they are manipulated to be used to stroke egos or to just fill a "vision statement" that we have of having 2,000 people attending our church services it breaks my heart.  It makes me ashamed.  It makes me cry out to God to change me, to change us, to wake us up and to pour out on us the heart of God.
This morning I was reading in Matthew 4 about when Jesus called His first disciples.  I began to think about each one of the individuals He called to follow Him.  Have you ever stopped to consider the absolute diversity in that group?  I mean just take Peter and Matthew.  Peter was a fisherman.  He was the hardworking, manual labor, get sweaty and earn your living man.  Then, here comes Matthew.. a tax collector to add to the mix.  I can imagine that the two of them might not have exactly liked one another at first.  But Jesus called them both.  He called them to leave their old professions (the ones they had accepted as their lives work) and said "follow Me and I will make you fishers of men."  He did not promise them that they would be the worlds best fishermen, fame and fortune, a "Sea of Galilee" rod and reel endorsement deal..or their face on "Tax collector of the Year" magazine, with wealth and power.  Jesus has a way of taking what WE think is so important and showing us how little importance it actually has.  I want to be able to not be afraid to trust Him and be willing to lay down any of my "plans" or "aspirations" in order to have Him direct my steps.  That does not mean He won't use us in the areas we think, it just means that we can not expect God to bend to our plans, or to what we think is important.

Really feeling the urgency to shed any and all "plans" I have built for myself and truly lay them at the feet of Jesus.  Lead me God.

a little peek...

I thought it would be appropriate to post a little glimpse into a little of what I have been writing for my book.. this small passage keeps playing in my head over and over. Just posting for my benefit I guess.  Who knows, maybe someone else can relate..

    

 I think every little girl at some point has the fantasy of a prince rescuing her.  No matter how "hard core" or "non girly" we are, deep down we think this scenario out.  For me I cast my birth dad into that role.  He was going to come and rescue me and my brother.  I would look at my step dad sometimes and imagine just as he was going to hit us my birth dad would burst through the door and demand in a very Clint Eastwoodesque way, “Get your hands off of my children!”  We would then run to him “Oh, Daddy!  Thank you!  You found us!”  It was literally my security blanket anytime I felt the harsh coldness from my step dad.  Sometimes, when we were outside playing and my step dad was at work I would tell my step sisters and brothers “Your dad is not my dad!  My Dad is going to come and get me!”  I would puff up and then continue to cross the backyard to meet my “real” brother.  My step sisters, who were maybe 5 would cry and that would make me feel really good.  “Ha!”  I would say to myself.  “Let them cry!  Now they can feel like I do!  NOT special and not wanted.”  I would catch myself smirking.  “I AM wanted!  You hear me!”  I would shout to them.  But they were already headed inside the house to tell our mom.  I didn’t care.  My dad did want me.  He did love me.  He did..right?

     One day out of the blue the phone rang and when my mom picked it up her face looked odd.  I don’t remember what she said but I do remember my step dad saying “Hang up!  Now!”  My mom did and a few minutes later the phone rang again.  My step dad answered this time and his words do not come to my memory but it was clear by his tone and body language that he was pissed off.    He slammed the phone on the kitchen counter and motioned with a grand gesture for me to pick up the phone.  I had no idea what was going on but I knew if I knew what was good for me I would pick up the phone.  My mind was swimming as I heard myself stutter a meek “Hello?”   “Is this Heather?”   I heard a mans voice ask.  I looked up at my step dad almost as if to ask permission to answer the question that I felt he had heard.  I must have not spoken for a long time because the voice started saying “Hello?  Are you there? Hello?”  “Yes.”  I felt like I had just broken a law by answering.  “Heather, do you know who this is?”  He asked.  “No?”  I anwered in a question and looked up to my step dad for his approval of it.  “ I am Mike.”  He spoke with a weird familiarity.  “Your..”  He slowed his words as if to make sure I understood him.  “Your father.”  My eyes must have shown some glimmer of light because my stepdad pushed past me and hissed some vulgar words.  My mom just stood there, frozen not smiling but not frowning either, just blank.  I really don’t remember too much of the rest of the conversation except he told me he was sending a birthday gift to me.  He also told me a lot about himself and all the music he wrote and that he was on the radio.  I  remember smiling a lot when he told me that.  I remember thinking “My dad is famous!”  “Wait until I tell the other kids at school!”  He finished up the covorsation by asking to talk to my brother.  What I DO remember is that he never said I love you.  I remember thinking “He must be scared that my step dad will hurt me more if he tells me he loves me.”  I smiled and handed the phone to my brother. 

     I stood by and tried to over hear my brothers conversation with our birth dad but really all I could hear was my brothers muffled responses.  It seemed to me that everyone else in the kitchen was evesdropping as well.  “My dad called me!”  “My dad is on the radio!”  I kept thinking these things over and over again to myself.  Each time I repeated it I would imagine myself in a fancy car with my dad going to his radio job.  

prayer please..

I am sitting outside on my porch and honestly do not even know how to start this post.  I feel like I have been punched in the gut and I can't shake the sick feeling in my stomach.  There are so many moments in our lives that we take for granted.  There are so many little small still voices that whisper to us that we just ignore and chalk up to emotion or think we can get to it later.  Two nights ago I felt like I was supposed to email my birth dad and tell him thank you for congratulating us on the birth of Luke.  I felt like I was supposed to reach out.. but I didn't.  I don't know why, I just put it off and felt like I was so tired that once the baby got settled that I would.
This morning I received a call that caught me off guard, blindsided me really.  I found out that my birth father, Mike Holder Sr. had been in a car accident this morning and was killed instantly.  I can not even begin to process this information.  I have been crying for what seems like 3 hours straight and just can not seem to stop.  Mike Holder Sr. was not a part of my life.  He and I did not have a close relationship..but he is my father.  I ask that you all would pray for his family, he has three other children besides my older brother and I and they are all in high school and younger.  I know they must be so devistated.   I ask that you pray for me as well, that God would help me process all of this and not have saddness and regret take over.  I mourn for the loss that took place a long time ago that now will never in this life have a chance for closure.  I do know that Mike Holder Sr. is in heaven.  I am grateful and at peace about that.

Thank you for your prayers,

Heather

New baby and all tha...zzzzzzzzzzzzz

For starters I would like to go on the record as saying that even though it has been 8 years since my last child was born that it is comforting to know that some things never change.  That certain things in life remain true to form and never seem to make you go "OH .. that's new".  Take sleep deprecation for instance.. it still stinks I see.  Little Luke is a really good baby and for the most part sleeps pretty good.. for an infant that is. For the most part I have been caught off guard by the newness of a baby in the house.  It has been so long it feels almost like Luke is our first all over again.  I found myself sanitizing the cart at Target.  I did not even do that for Gideon, but apparently I am a tad over-protective of this little guy.  I even told dad to "watch the soft spot" on his head.   Yes, yes.. I was THAT mom.  It is so sweet to watch my other two "older" kids just love on Luke.  They have been so great with him.  Skye was actually in the room when Luke was born and she said it was the most amazing experience she has ever had in her life.  It was touching to hear her squeal with delight as he was being born.  She was literally jumping up and down and giggling.  It is a moment I will always cherish.  Gideon, who did NOT want to be in the room..came in minutes later and met his brother.  He was overwhelmed and even sat down in a chair and just tears came down his face.  Boys process things so much more differently.  Gideon then came over and held his brother and pretty much does not want to put him down at all now.  Tim, who is my hero everyday..was once again there for me and held my hand as we welcomed a new life into the world and into our family.  We all gathered around and prayed for Luke and sang him Happy Birthday.. I am still waiting on the cake ;-)

The first weeks of mommyhood can be rough.  If anyone tries to tell you otherwise they are lying to you and are probably laughing at you.  It is not all rainbows, butterflies and sparkles.. although with sleep deprivation you WILL "see" these things but as soon as you start getting regular sleep again the hallucinations usually do go away.. if not .. well, see your doc.

Thank you all for your prayers and your well wishes to me and my family on the birth of our sweet baby Luke.  I will try to keep you updated and have some new posts for you very soon!

Blessings!

Heather

willingness to be the person who listens ...

As most of you know I am pregnant with our 4th child.  I am almost 35 weeks which puts me into the "hormonal, slightly  phychotic bi-polar, i am ready to be DONE" category.  You know ladies who have had babies..the category NO ONE tells you about.  It is probably because we don't want to scare the crud out of you poor girls and let you know you become a raving lunatic and you really can't do anything about it but just go through it and pray that your husband does not move you to a hotel for the last few weeks of your pregnancy.  

In my state of mind I have really been feeling sorry for myself a lot lately.  I have felt left out of family events like walking and chewing gum at the same time.  (I tend to waddle more)  I have felt SLIGHTLY larger and a TAD unattractive when accidentally catching a glance of myself in the mirror while "dressing"... or as I like to call it, attempting to not fall on my face while putting on my pants while leaning against a wall while yelling at my husband for having the nerve to be able to dress himself.  I have felt pretty much useless.  It is not a great feeling.  OK, that is an understatement.. it STINKS!  Have I been brutally honest enough yet?  Well, I am sure by now some well intentioned ladies will send me kind, sweet notes about how it is all worth it and that I should just lean on Him and be still.  I am here to let you know that I KNOW all of that and yet I am still feeling this overwhelming sense of blah..  

I am one very blessed Chicky though, because I am lucky enough to have some friends who allow me to blow off steam and then laugh at myself in spite of myself.  It is probably the best therapy a $5 Starbucks drink (YES I DRANK COFFEE.. get over it) can buy.  It is in these moments of sipping the sweet nectar of the mermaid and having Godly yet good humored friends just sit with me that I find my sanity slowly slipping back into my body.  

So, what does this have to do with anything?  Well, honestly I have no "sage wisdom" for you today except to say thank you to all the friends out there who are willing to just sit and listen to us who need to just talk sometimes.  You may feel like it is no big deal..but it is a blessing to us.  I hope to return the favor once I stop being a crazy 9 month pregnant lady.  

Never underestimate the power of being a friend who is not afraid to just listen.

New glasses.....

     I have worn glasses for about as far back as I can remember.  My eyesight was so bad in one eye that I sported a patch over my right eye for about a year of my childhood.  This was before the coolness of pirates today, with the likes of Johnny Depp as Jack sparrow and all.  I was made fun of and hated my patch and quite frankly hated my glasses.  It was not pleasant to hear the names and taunts all because of my thick, ugly (imo) glasses.  It was around age 11 that I decided I would do without them.  I was living my life glasses free.  It was awesome.  Only when I would read for more than 10 minutes or so would my head hurt and I would have to squeeze my eyes to “get them to work” again.  It was not so bad.  I was not made fun of and honestly I forgot I even needed them after a while.  I got my drivers licence even.  I drove with no glasses.  It is a scary thought actually.

     When I married my husband he noticed that I would frequently squeeze my eyes while reading and asked if he could take me to the eye doctor.  I reluctantly agreed and went.  The doctor had a field day with me.  By the end of the exam he had ordered me contacts and glasses.  It was not what I wanted, but my husband was insistent that I be able to see.  A week or so later my contacts and glasses arrived and I popped the contacts in.  It was a strange feeling.  I could see better, but somehow the new prescription made me feel a little nauseated and dizzy after a while.  Those of you who wear glasses and have to get a new prescription every now and then will understand this sensation.  It was not pleasant.  I wanted to take them out immediately.  I was aware that the doctor told me to keep them in at least 5 hours a day to help my eyes strengthen and get used to the new prescription but I was NOT comfortable AT ALL. 

     I just had this same experience a few weeks ago, I had a brand new pair of glasses with a slightly stronger prescription prescribed to me.  I put the glasses on the day I got them and after 20 minutes I called the eye doctor to tell them they must have messed up the prescription because it was making me feel nauseated.  It had been probably 12 years since any significant change to my prescription and this new one was NOT working for me.  I drove to the doctors office, had them inspect my glasses, only to be told that the prescription was only slightly stronger than my last one and that I needed to give it time to allow my eyes to strengthen and get used to the new prescription. 

     Isn’t that how we view a new direction or calling that God places on our lives?  We get so comfortable in the place we are (physically and spiritually) that we freak out if God calls for a “new prescription” and it makes us feel “nauseated”.  We fight it, we take the other way, we stay where we are.  All because the strengthening that is needed to follow God’s direction is “new” and “not what we are used too.”  We tell ourselves, “God called me to where I am NOW ..Why would he want me to move?”  Just like a new pair of glasses with a stronger prescription so is the Voice of God when He speaks to our hearts to do something sometimes.  

     I think about Abraham, a man who had God tell him to leave EVERYTHING and go to a place that God WOULD tell him.  WOULD tell him, not “hey, you are going to go here, now and here is the plan.”  I personally find that thought terrifying.  Yet, Abraham obeyed and went.  I want to have faith like that.  I want to follow God’s voice and direction like that.  The calling of God on our lives may not be as dramatic as packing up everything and going to only God knows where…but it can still be like that pair of new glasses.. needed to strengthen our “sight”.  It may make us uncomfortable for a while, but it is what is called for in order for us to “see.”

schtuff Christians say..

I understand the sentiment behind "Why are we surprised when God has been taken out of our schools" but it is in extremely BAD TASTE and ignorant to say/post such things as if GOD ALLOWED this to happen solely because He has been "removed" from our schools.  Man cannot "take GOD" out of anything.  He can refuse to acknowledge Him but GOD is GOD no matter what.  Not only that but how dare we assume that the families of those who lost children were not of strong faith and taught their children about GOD at home and at church!  Did God allow my son to die because I had removed Him from my life somehow?  Did God allow a mom or dad to have cancer or get in a car accident and die because they are not allowing God in their life?  Ignorance and pride to assume that we can use that as an excuse for the human condition that Jesus Christ came to die for.  The same human condition that resides in all of us and even after we give our lives over to Him the enemy still (as scripture puts it) roars and prowls like a lion seeking whom he may devour.  Do you think that we can in the same "christianeese" language state that when things go wrong in our lives that "the enemy is sure attacking me, I must be doing something right" and "well, that tragedy is not surprising seeing that we have taken God out of school".  It is utterly disgusting to me that as Christians we would be so blind to the absolute ridiculousness of such statements.  PRAY for wisdom before speaking.  SEEK God before blanket statements that include INNOCENT life that was taken by a person who obviously was mentally unstable (to put it mildly) and carried out an evil that is unspeakable. 

PRAY for those families!  PRAY that God will pour out His comfort and mercy.  Next time you turn on the television to make sure you get all the "details" from the media ask yourself.. “Why am I wasting time on consuming this information and hit your knees to pray.”  Put your money where you mouth is.  Stop evoking the name of GOD to prove points and ask God to BREAK YOUR HEART for the lost and broken.  Ask God to USE your life to comfort and love others in His name.  The next time you are in a tragic situation (which I was and stupid ..stupid things were said to me, I am sure with good intention but without wisdom) glean from the people God sends your way to comfort you and apply it the next time someone is walking through tragedy.

Jesus Christ and the superstar.....

     I don't claim to be a Biblical scholar.  I do not claim to be an authority on doctrine or theology but I do know that in my 18 years of being a Christian and reading the Bible I am yet to find someone who was a "superstar" because of their association with Jesus.  Yes, some of them had notoriety, but it always turns to rejection by the world. Yet, in today's "Christian" world we strive to be accepted by the world and to have notoriety and well.. to be superstars.  I have been guilty of this too...but why?  Why do I crave the acceptance of the world?  Why do I long for the world to hold me in high esteem?  Now, before you start your comment back to me about how we are to "love the world" and how I am being "judgmental" read the rest of my post and then decide if you feel that way.
   
      I lived in the world.  I rolled around in the filth, loneliness, anger, hatred, abuse and bitterness of the world.  I would go to church as a teenager with my Grandpa and curse out the youth pastor and tell everyone at the youth meeting that they were morons for following Jesus.  I took pride in being against Jesus.  I believed that God existed I just made the choice to not be on His side.  I know the desperation of wanting to be loved but being so caught up in sin that it blinds you to the truth.  I am grateful that in my rock bottom homeless days on the streets of Detroit that God spared my life.  I still do not know how, other than God spared it.  I remember quite clearly the decision made to give my life to Jesus.  I think about it often.  I remember the rejection I got from some of the people I used to hang out with.  I remember the feeling of not having a "friend" in the world.  I was changed. I worked very closely with the homeless community after giving my heart to Jesus.  I would give them food and a drink and then tell anyone who would listen what Jesus had done for me.  There were times when people would listen.  I even prayed with a few to accept Jesus as their savior.  But there were many who would laugh at me or threaten me and I would be rejected.  Only Jesus could actually be given "superstar" status, if you will, in the Bible.  I mean, He came to earth, born of a virgin, was the son of God and preformed miracles.  People would flock to wherever He was.  They would walk for days to hear him speak.  Yet, in the end..He was rejected by those very same people.  Truth is... when we give our hearts and lives to Jesus we WILL be rejected by the world.  That's the way it is supposed to be.  Actually, we are too, to reject the world...not reject the PEOPLE..but the world.  Jesus spoke quite plainly when asked what someone needed to do to follow Him.. He said:

Mark 8:34-35

New International Version (NIV)

The Way of the Cross

³⁴ Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ³⁵ For whoever wants to save their life^[a] will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it."

     So I ask you again... why are we seeking notoriety.  If we are denying ourselves as Jesus said we need to do, then why are we so self centered in our pursuit of a "ministry" a "career" a ...fill in the blank?  It is scary when I take inventory of my life when this is the measuring stick I am to use.  

     Don't be confused.. I LOVE the people who are in the world.  I love them so much that I don't want to just be their friends and have them like me I want them to know that Jesus LOVES them and that He died for them.  It is cruel to "in the name of love" not share the truth of Jesus with people.  It is cruel to say "I am not going to judge"  No one said you were called to judge.  No one gave you that responsibility.. you are COPPING OUT.  Don't judge... share Jesus in Love.  

     Personally, I am daily asking God to scrub out of me anything that keeps me from this calling on my life.  Dying to self is a hard (understatement of the century) process, but I can't be filled with Jesus if there is any "self" left.  I want to be filled by Him.  I want to share more of Him with others.  I want "my" life to be fully His.  I long to have people say of me when I am gone.. She loved Jesus. 

<3 Heather

Security and all things comfy.....

There is something about me that is inherently comfort seeking.  It starts as early as I wake up and start the death march to my coffee machine.  I seek comfort.  There is something so "wrong" about that.  More and more lately I have been aware of my selfishness and my complacency.  It is time for a change..a drastic change in my life.
I was reading in Matthew where Jesus told the first disciples to follow Him...

Matthew 4:18-22

New International Version (NIV)

18 As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. 19 “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” 20 At once they left their nets and followed him.

21 Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, 22 and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him.

These guys didn't even ask questions.  I would have been like "umm Jesus do you not SEE that i am fishing here..give me a second."  It seems irrational to just stop everything you are doing.. in their case.. stop their job, their livelihood, their way of life and just follow Him.  But I get it.. I have made that decision (not as easily as these guys.. truth be told it took some more convincing)  and I left all I was and was doing and followed Jesus.  Then... I just settled into a "christian" job and a "christian" way of life.  I became comfortable.  I was alright with weekly services that I would plan music for.  I was cool with everyday church as usual.  Every now and then I would get passionate about change but if it got shot down I did not fight for it.. I just accepted it and kept floating on the lazy river of my comfortable, cozy, christian life.  But God has been waking me up in a drastic way.  I don't want to be comfortable I don't want to settle for a float on a lazy river.

I also read in John 15(the message)



 1-3 "I am the Real Vine and my Father is the Farmer. He cuts off every branch of me that doesn't bear grapes. And every branch that is grape-bearing he prunes back so it will bear even more. You are already pruned back by the message I have spoken.
 4"Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you. In the same way that a branch can't bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can't bear fruit unless you are joined with me.

 5-8"I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples.

 9-10"I've loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you'll remain intimately at home in my love. That's what I've done—kept my Father's commands and made myself at home in his love.


It is clear to me that just "choosing" to follow Jesus is not enough.. you have to "live" in Jesus.  HE is the vine we are the branches...yeah, I know the kid song.  Being intertwined with Jesus, grafted in.. there is going to be pruning.  That..does NOT sound comfortable.  But it says that in order to produce fruit we have to be.   Any living vine has to be trimmed of the things that will choke out the fruit.  In my life I am seeing complacency and comfort seeking as things that are choking me...keeping me from being more fruitful.  No more.  I am done with it.

I encourage each of us to search our lives.  What are the things that are in need of being trimmed off?  Are there things in our lives that we are clinging too like a security blanket?  If so why?  What do we need to lay down?  Jesus was HARD CORE.  I don't remember reading that He ever made life easy for any of His followers.  The choices they were asked to make were not easy.  They gave up everything to follow Him and then they stayed with Him.  I don't know about you, but the choices I put the "christianeese" stamp of "is God calling me to this?" are pretty ridiculously small compared to the Disciples.  Not to make light of our life choices, just some compare and contrast.  In other countries we have people who have to make a choice that affects their life.  We have people who literally risk their lives to follow Jesus.  I want my life to be a radical one that is so much so that when people look at it they get uncomfortable.. they become aware of things that God wants to get a hold of in their life.  I want to be a life that shows Jesus' love so radically that it encourages others to do.

God, my prayer is to be with You.  I want to abide in You.  I want my life to be so overflowing with fruit that my branches are heavy.  It scares me to even ask and pray this..but I want more of You in my life.

amen.